KNOW THYSELF

2012-01-20T15:24:00.001-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2012-01-06T13:10:00.000-08:00

With each new year, cards and letters come from friends and families with the latest updates. I've given serious thought to doing one of my own, but I don’t usually have any new and great developments to report. Although, that doesn't stop a lot of those cards or letters from coming from others.

This past year was awesome. I moved into great place and bought a king size bed. I spend all but the 8 hour work day there. Sometimes, I get up to pee, and on occasion shower, but I try not to spend too much time away from the fluffy comforts of "The Kang".

He grew a beard this year and I was surprised at how much I loved it. Full and red, I thought it made him look like a distinguished lumberjack. I shed a single tear when he shaved it off. I wish he felt the same way when I shave off my leg hair.

Keno the beer dog needs medication. He is a tormented little animal, running outside to go for a walk, only to growl and snap at his leash when I try to put it on. He has the cutest little bite, his teeth are perfect. Sometimes when he growls and bares his fangs I giggle at his cute, tiny, razor like, teeth...and then I back away slowly. Keno loves "The Kang" and sometimes he growls when I try to get in bed with him. I usually stuff his Kong with Peanut Butter to distract him and jump in quickly. This has caused a serious weight gain, and thoughts of me giving a small child chocolate every time it cried. I would be that Mother on The Maury Povich show with a 150 pound 3 year old.

I'm addicted to Sons of Anarchy and Breaking Bad. Most days I consider joining a biker gang and running guns or becoming an old lady. When I'm not daydreaming about Charming, I think about what a successful "cook" I'd be, or who I would sell to.

I'm still working my fingers to the bone at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I love my job, and being a part of kicking cancer's ass each and every day. I still win the my-job-is-more-rewarding-than-your-job contest.

This past year flew by. Between the rats and dogs, I've had my fill of animals. I found out I have kidney damage which hit me kind of hard. I had a mild staph infection on my leg from an infected pump site. Nothing a little antibiotics didn't take care of. I still have the most beautiful hair, and I’ve started wearing SPF30 every day.

Yesterday I was walking up the stairs in the parking garage when I tripped on a middle step. This trip catapulted me into more tripping and running. My sneakers squeaked the whole way as I smashed into a cement wall. Thankfully, my arm broke my fall. By last night, I went to Urgent Care and found out I had sprained my wrist and I have a contusion. My hand is swollen and blue on one side. Do you have any idea how hard you have to throw yourself into a wall to actually sprain your wrist? Yeah, I'm THAT awesome.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Maggots Are Still Worse

2011-10-12T13:16:00.001-07:00

Something you should know about me. I have no concept of time. None. Zero. Zilch. So, when I say the other day, or a few years ago, I would really mean 3 and 1/2 months ago or a decade ago.

Two stories, both without any concept of time. The other day, roughly a month and a half ago, maybe two months ago, my roommate was in Washington D.C. for work. I'll just say that one of us has a high paying job that allows her to travel, and the other one of us doesn't.

It was about 4:00AM, again, no concept of time, although it was dark outside, I awoke to a scratching noise inside my closet. Instantly, maybe not instantly, as I don't have any concept of time, nor do I actually recall the events as it wasn't terrifying until much later, I was imagining what kind of awful creature could be making a scratching noise inside my closet in the dead of night, or early morning hours, you get the gist.

Then, I heard scratching on the front door. It sounded just like my roommates dogs scratching at the door to be let in. Only, my roommate had taken her huskies to her Mom's house for the week.

I talked myself into going back to sleep. Fast forward a week, or two. I'm watching the BYU vs. Utah game whilst doing laundry. The washer had stopped and I was still hearing a very unusual sound over the football game. I told him to go see what it was. The house is over 100 years old and has a crawl space that is easily the scariest place I have ever been. You know it’s scary because I didn’t try to elaborate on just how scary it is. It just is.

He crossed the threshold of the kitchen, and said, "it's under there", pointing to the cupboard below the coffee pot and microwave. At this point, "it" was gnawing and scratching. He said "stand back" and bravely flung open the cupboard doors.

Nothing.

He said, "do you have a flashlight?" "Of course I have a flashlight" I say. Lets just say the roommate with the high paying job is also responsible and prepared for emergencies.

He knelt down and tried to look under the floorboard, underneath the cupboard. He couldn't see anything, but looked up at me in the dark, illuminating my face with the flashlight and said, "I don’t know what the Hell it is, but it's big, and it wants to get out."

Dun, Dun, DUN!

I text my roommie and say, something is under the house, it's probably an enormous mouse. She says she will get traps.

Fast forward to Monday. Monday night, the air kicked on. I awoke wondering what that smell was. My roommate has been talking about getting our vents cleaned. The house is old, we have 3 dogs and it needs to be done. I was very tired and fell back asleep easily.

The next morning I got up and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The next evening he came over to watch "bridesmaids" with me. By the way-HILARIOUS-anywhosy, the air kicked on, and he said something like, "SSSICK! You guys need to get your vents cleaned. That smells awful!" I agree with him and we finish the movie.

Wednesday, I'm getting ready for work and I was brushing my teeth. We have a pedestal sink that sits on the corner of the vent. Air was blowing straight up into my face, and it smelled like burnt apricots covered in death.

I text my roommate from work and tell her the vents stink, we need to get them cleaned before winter. She e-mails me and says, I know why the house stinks, but I'm not going to tell you why until you get home...you won’t like it. Have you been feeling sick lately?

Immediately, my stomach turns. I know whatever was under the house is surely dead and rotting. I drive home and it's the longest drive home ever. Figuratively, not literally.

I get home and she is sitting on the couch, and she says, "dead rats, and they are pretty big. You have to see them."

Normally I put up a big stinkin' fight, and I usually win. I have no sense of time but I'm headstrong and can be a bully. I told her I would rather not, and made her believe I could have gone my whole life without looking, but I was sort of curious.

We went around to the back door and the smell hit me. I pulled my shirt up over my nose and she shined the flashlight down into the corner of the steps. I saw one about the size of a cantaloupe covered in fur. I said, “there’s' more?" and she put her hand on my back to maneuver me around to see where the other one was. Those that know me, know I don’t like being touched much. She put her hand on my back and I came out of my skin. Again, figuratively, not literally. I was screaming, she was scream/laughing and then I saw it. A dead, rotting, football sized rat.

I ran, dry heaving back into the house. She called her Mom and she said scoop it up and throw it away. Yeah, right. First, where there are two, there are more and they have obviously had a food source. I did not want to go down there and find a gutted cat.

Her Dad says, call pest control. Turns out, pest control will only come get rats if they are alive and trapped in a window well or something like that. I'm not going to lie, I don't know what pest control said, I didn't call them.

So, we think it over. We can't decide if we should suit up and go down ourselves. Finally, we call an exterminator-he gives us a really high quote, says he can't be out until tomorrow. Then, asks if we have a restaurant nearby. As a matter of fact, I live near a famous chocolate shop.

So, we went over and tried to see if the owner of the chocolate shop would work with us. My roommie has lived in the house for 2 years and never had rats. Now all of the sudden a chocolate shop moves in and we have Chihuahua sized rats in our basement. He was very nice but pretty much told us we were SOL.

We go back home to deliberate. At this point, we have turned off the air conditioning. Literally, not figuratively. I made a horrible mistake and did some Google searches on rats. Images, Info Everything. My bad. I spoke with my roommate and kept trying to figure out what these rats had been living on, when all of the sudden, she said, "Shit! I have a bag of dog food down there!'

No, I'm not kidding.

The next morning, I get a text from my roommate. She has found some guy on Google that will scoop up the rats for $20. If that isn't a sign of the economy, I don’t know what is.

I'm at work and I get a text. He has found 5 more. 5 M-O-R-E!! I'm at work telling anyone who will listen. I have great story telling abilities, and when I dry heaved everyone had a great laugh.

The Google guy scooped up the rats, and set some traps. After the stink dissipated, my roommie and I went down there. We took a look at the traps and an empty 20 pound bag of dog food.

We found the tunnel that they dug to get in, and covered it with a giant landscaping rock from the yard.

I surmise that the rats tunneled in, and ate so much they were too fat to get back out. That, or they had little rat heart attacks and little rat strokes.

We check periodically. No more rats.

In my book, Maggots in the house are STILL worse than rats under the house.

Hat Head..

2011-07-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

The other day I woke up, put on my glasses, and took Keno, the beer dog, for a walk.. I wish I could say that I had on some really cute yoga pants and a little tank top, but I'm sure I was wearing something like an oversized North Face Tee shirt and some baggy Nike running pants, that have never actually taken me for a run.. I came back hot and sweaty and made an executive decision.. I got in the shower, and proceeded to blow dry and curl my hair, and apply make-up..

I got to work, and said my "hello's" to the usual people.. Some looked at me quizzically.. Some told me how cute I looked.. I laughed and joked, and said things like, "yeah, this is what I look like on the weekends" which may or not be true, only on Friday and Saturday nights, but never two nights in a row.. You spend two hours heat styling, and tell me how often you would it..

I said Hello to a few people with no response, which I found odd and then, rude.. I went outside to eat lunch and one of the nice security guards stopped me and told me in a very matter of fact way, that he didn't recognize me without my hat.. I was in shock.. Apparently, I have let myself go so much, that coworkers don't recognize me without my hats..

I have often wondered when the day would come that somebody would joke about me being bald under my hat, or when someone would ask if my hat had a ponytail attached to it.. Unfortunately that day came, but they weren't joking..

All of the “you look so cute todays”, didn’t stop me from buying a Red Sox baseball hat and a straw fedora this weekend..

Viva La Hat!!

~Dogs~

2011-06-14T10:59:00.001-07:00

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment. ~George Eliot~

Doubts

2011-06-14T10:44:00.001-07:00

A weak man has doubts before a decision, a strong man has them afterwards.
Karl Kraus

Keno-- The Beer Dog..

2011-03-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

I've tried for many years to keep my blog character free.. Sure, I've mentioned friends and family, upon reflection.. Things they have said that have made me laugh, things that I will never forget, things that when originally spoken didn't make sense, but later shook me and taught me some sort of life lesson.. I've tried to write about my experiences in my life.. I haven't blogged thinking about anyone inparticular, certainly not employees, bosses, roommates, co-workers, and never about my boyfriend..

So, I'm a little embarrassed now, to be this excited to write about my newest love, Keno.. I promise not to turn into that raving blogger that writes only about her dog, as if the world also thinks my dog is the coolest in the whole world.. I have nothing against people that write solely about dogs, or running, or food, or children, but I have tried to keep my blog about my experiences, regarding things like dogs, running, food and children.. It's actually quite selfish, and I've given this a lot of thought, but will address it at a later date, in a different blog..

Anyway, a little over a week ago, I went to Las Vegas.. It was a fun, tiring, not-long-enough-in-the-warm-weather trip, but it was a trip away from my life, and it was much needed.. On our drive home, we stopped at a gas station to get drinks (caffeine) and for me to empty my bladder of steel..

When I got out of the car, I noticed a sad, little dog right outside the gas station, with his obviously homeless owner.. I expressed how sweet I thought the dog was, and upon entering the gas station, I heard the homeless man joke, that I could have his puppy for ten dollars.. I laughed as I filled my cup with Diet Mountain Dew.. We paid for our drinks and went out to our car.. The homeless man approached and explained that he can survive the streets but that his dog can't.. He told us that his paws will burn on the ground this summer, and that he needs a good home.. He explained that the dog just wants to be on your lap, and is thrilled with one sausage a day, and that he loves RC Cola and beer.. This broke my heart..

Two five dollar bills later and the dog was in my car.. The homeless man knocked on my window and told us that we had done a good thing.. He thanked us repeatedly for wanting to give him a good home, and explained that "Buddy" does not like to be picked up, forced into doing anything he doesn't want to do, and that someone had hurt his back leg.. He told me that he loves the ladies, but he will bite if he doesn't trust you..

I was near tears, when I decided I needed to go back into the gas station for Alpo and some water.. I think Buddy would have loved some of my Diet Mountain Dew, but I was not in the mood to share..

When I came back out to the car, Buddy was lying on a blanket on the back seat.. He crept up to the front seat to get some water and sniff the food, and I noticed that I had little black paw prints in my car..

Buddy was filthy, but within an hour he was beginning to get comfortable.. I'm not sure if Buddy had ever slept peacefully.. He fought sleep, as he sat in our laps.. I think he must have slept sitting up on the streets, always ready to move on a moment’s notice.. Eventually he got comfortable and cuddled up in my lap on the blanket.. He slept for hours..

We stopped in St. George at McDonalds, where he ate cheeseburgers, drank water and emptied his bladder.. At this point his tail was wagging, and he had begun to smile..

We were very excited to give the dog a nice night of sleep, and food, and to get him to the Humane Society the next morning.. We called him Buster for a while, but as it got dark, we decided Keno would be much more fitting.. He sat up and listened to music with us, and sat on the console watching the world pass by through the windshield.. He didn’t want to hang his head out the window like other dogs, and he didn't jump out of the car and run, when he had the chance.. He likes me to lift him in and out of the car, and once home, I quickly realized that steps were an issue with his back leg as well, and that he needed to me to carry him up and down.. He is not comfortable with me picking him up, but he trusts me, and that's good enough for both of us..

I'm pretty sure he had the best night of sleep he had ever had.. He loved my down comforter and could not get closer to me.. We slept face to face the entire night.. Keno doesn't lick or bark, and only shook when my roommates came home, but I got him calmed down shortly after..

We took him to The Humane Society and waited a half hour to admit him.. Watching people drop off their animals was extremely painful.. I choked back hot tears until it was our turn to hand Keno over..

Tears didn't actually fall until we walked back to the car.. Once he was out of my hands, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.. I didn't, and still don't think anybody would adopt a dog that not only needed to be house broken, but to be carried up stairs to do it..

I cried for hours.. I cried into the night and at 3:00 AM, I spoke to my roommate about having Keno come live with us.. I made it clear that he would be my dog, and I would train him.. He needs to be trained to my work schedule, and with his trust issues, I think it would be best that I deal with him.. After speaking with my roommies, landlord, parents, boyfriend, and manager at the Humane Society, I've decided that we will adopt him if his original owners do not claim him by March 26th.. We can't adopt him until the 29th, as that is the first chance he can be neutered.. The craziest thing is, is that the 29th, is the night I met my boyfriend..

We met on Facebook through a friend in January, and quickly developed a relationship.. We texted and e-mailed endlessly, as I had just had oral surgery.. It quickly turned into hours of phone calls and eventually, on March 29th he flew into Salt Lake so we could meet.. We had two or three more weekend trips, and then I flew to Portland at the end of June, to ride back with him.. He was moving to Utah!!

We will be getting a dog, on our year anniversary.. Something I never thought I would do.. Have an anniversary, and be a dog owner!! I've always been a cat girl, and figured I might date a guy with a dog, but never have one of my own and certainly not a small dog..

The Humane Society called to tell me that Keno has stage 1 dental disease.. It's an issue with his gums, but with daily brushings, should be totally manageable.. It’s also the same issue I had oral surgery for, last year, when I met my boyfriend..

Keno is a little damaged.. He needs love and patience, and I can give that to him.. As far as I can tell, this was meant to be..

Life has surprised me so much in the past year.. I've been extremely blessed, and I'm so excited to see what else is in store!!

I may blog about him a few more times, forgive me.. I'll also be sure to post a few pictures, I have about a dozen of him sleeping, in the same position, from several different angles.. I might be a Mommy in a week!!

I Carry Your Heart ~ E.E Cummings

2011-02-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Cupid..

2011-02-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

I have a real bone to pick with Valentine's Day.. I actually have a bone to pick with the idea that people feel entitled to the act of feeling "special.." I hate the word "special.." I hate when people say to a bride, "Whatever you want, it's your "special" day.."

Last I checked people get married everyday.. People also get divorced everyday.. Is that "special" too??

I get that I'm probably "special" to my parents, as they are to me.. My brothers are "special" to me as well, but probably not that "special" to people that don't know them..

I'm exhausted of engagement parties, bridal showers, birthday parties, Christmas presents, bachelorette parties and wedding gifts.. Society makes us feel that we must do these things in hopes that the recipient will feel "special.." Why??

I personally have NEVER needed an Easter egg basket to feel "special.." Nor have I needed a pair of roller skates, left under the Christmas tree, from Santa, to feel "special.." I didn't need $1.00 from the tooth fairy for every tooth I lost as a child, to feel 'special..' I didn't need anyone to tell me I'm "special.." I don't recall anyone ever telling me I was "special," but somehow, somehow, I survived this grueling, cruel world..

Celebrating ridiculous days like my birthday makes me feel uncomfortable.. After all, my Mother birthed me.. I had no choice in the matter, and I didn't do any of the work.. Why do people insist on showering me with gifts to make me feel "special??"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not entirely against weddings.. But I thought a wedding was the celebration of a union of two people.. If that's what a wedding is, why is there an engagement party?? If the wedding day is actually the bride's "special" day then, why the bridal shower or bachelorette party??

And what business does a thirty year old woman have accepting gifts from her parents for Christmas?? What happened to Baby Jesus, and working hard to purchase your own purse??

I personally think and have always thought that love is the most intimate feeling, but one that is actually very easy to do.. Love has always been a very private matter for me.. My loved ones know who they are, and they know it all the time.. Not just on days that have been specially designated for it..

I don't love anyone anymore today than I did yesterday, and saying Happy Valentine's Day today doesn't make my love any more "special" to anyone than it did yesterday..

Chances are, my absence at a friend's wedding will not make her day any less "special" than if I was there.. The marriage will still take place, "Congratulations," will still be spoken..

When I look back on my favorite memories with loved ones, it's the little moments that are sacred to me; the glances, the jokes, the laughter, heartfelt words and comforting hugs.. My memories are not filled with thoughts of days that people bought me things in efforts to make me feel "special.."

Retired Bridesmaid..

2011-02-01T21:40:00.000-08:00

I've addressed countless invitations.. I've constructed too many centerpieces.. Candles have been lit, spray tans have been sprayed.. Hair has been curled, make-up has been applied.. I've bought over 15 dresses; shoes have been purchased, jewelry borrowed, all NEVER to be worn again.. Eyebrows have been waxed, bridal showers have been thrown.. I've spent hundreds of dollars on lingerie that I'm sure was only worn on the honeymoon.. I've spent hundreds of dollars on kitchen ware novelty items, not anything needed.. Alcoholic drinks have been purchased in efforts to achieve "the best girls night ever!!" the night before the wedding.. Reception linens have been laid out, bows and ribbons have been tied.. Hundreds of party favors have been sloppily put together.. I've "oohed and ahhed" over countless wedding gowns, been to several fittings, helped pick out veils that nobody will ever remember.. Wedding websites have been scoured, in attempts to give my personal feedback about tiny wedding day details.. Pictures have been taken, speeches have been given, toasts have been made.. Cards have been signed, gifts have been given.. Blisters from shoes have left permanent scars on my precious feet.. Horrible contraptions have sucked me in for entire days during ceremonies and receptions.. Food has been consumed, water has been drunk.. Congratulations have been spoken, and tears have been shed, every time.. I've endured, and done all of these things many, many, many times, and I've never been married.. As happy as I am for each and every one of my friends, I'm retiring from such duties.. I will share in the happiness of your union and happily attend your wedding as a guest.. No more, no less..

Road Rage..

2011-02-01T21:23:00.000-08:00

The other day, I stopped at a gas station near my house.. I pulled in, pumped my gas and attempted to get out of there as fast as I could.. I try to do most things quickly, as I am a very important person; I have things to do and places to go..

I pulled forward to the exit, and all of the sudden, a guy in a SUV pulls in, right in front of my car, stopping diagonally, blocking the entire exit/entrance..

I'm mad.. He makes no attempt to pull forward, and I can see that he is laughing at my frustration.. I slam my car into park and jump out of my car.. I find that most people are intimidated by a hefty, obviously irate girl, literally jumping out of her car wanting confrontation..

I get out, throwing my hands around screaming "what??!!" with every step I take.. He rolls his window down, and the following argument ensues..

Me: "What seems to be the problem?? Why won't you pull forward??"

Him: *smiling* "You think I can pull forward??"

Me: "I don't see why not.. I've left you plenty of room.. If you are waiting for the next pump, you could at least pull in and not block the entrance/ exit.."

Him: "If you want me to move, make me.."

Me: "I'm not going to physically make you move sir, I'm just letting you know that I think whatever point you are trying to make, is idiotic.."

Him: "Maybe I can't move, maybe I ran out of gas.."

Me: *stares blankly* long pause *blinks* "Oh, I'm sorry then, do you need a push??"

Him: *laughing* "Yeah, that would be great.."

Me: *Pushing with all my might, sliding around on the pavement in my cowboy boots*
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrruuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Sir, I can't move you.."

Then, the guy at a pump, one that has been observing the entire debacle, comes over and helps me push.. We got him to the pump, and I apologized again for yelling at him, explaining that people literally pull in front of me and do similar things to me on a weekly basis.. He laughed some, and said, at no point was he intentionally messing with me..

I took this opportunity to explain to him that his car has a gas light and that when it turns on, it's generally best NOT to ignore it and to get gas as soon as possible..

I told him that I hoped his day got better, and I drove the rest of the way to work smiling..

The End..

I Can't Shake..

2011-01-07T12:37:00.000-08:00

thoughts of death lately.. I see it in my dreams, in my life, everywhere I look..

The first time I experienced death, I was in my Grandma's bedroom.. I'll never forget the sound of my dad's voice as he told me that it would "look like Grandpa was sleeping.." He told me not to be afraid, that a lot of people will be there..

When we got "there" I just hung out with my little brother.. I was nine years old, he was eight.. So many people were there crying, and the guy sleeping looked kind of like my Grandpa, but not really, and he didn't really look like he was sleeping either, but I was playing with my brother and the adults were doing adult things..

I didn't know at the time why everyone was crying, I guess I didn't understand that my Mom had a lifetime of memories of her Dad.. That she would miss his voice, and would only see his smile again in her mind’s eye..

Both of my Grandma's passed and I didn't go back to Michigan for the funerals.. I didn't know either of them very well at all.. In fact, I hadn't known my Grandpa's either.. My Dad's dad used to ask me "What do you know??" To be honest, this scared me.. I was afraid to answer and reveal my ignorance.. This was a man that lived to be in his 90's, I had no idea what to talk to him about.. We had a family service for him here in Utah before he went back to Michigan for his proper service and burial..

It bothered me to see a body in a box.. Lining them with satin and silk is just the attempt of the living to feel better about putting our loved ones in the ground.. What a tragic thing to have to do.. Saying goodbye for the last time, trying to keep memories fresh, as to not forget the sound of a Mother's voice, or to not forget the touch of a spouse's hand..

Everyone says the pain fades, and while I'm grateful for that, so do the memories..

The stories remain to be passed on, but somewhere along the way, the mannerisms are lost upon those that never met them.. The sound of their laughter, the sparkle in the eyes, the warmth in a hug..

I've only lost a cat; she haunts my dreams, I feel her on the bed at night.. I don't know how people lose Mothers and Fathers, spouses, and children..

I've been so proud to be so independent, to not need anyone.. But, in realizing that there are things that one should not do alone, I've realized that I don't WANT to anymore, and have come to see how tragic it would be for me to be alone.. Life never turns out the way you want it to, or the way you envision it, and right now, I'm grateful for that..

If I Die Young..

2010-12-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

If I die young bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses..
Sink me in the river at dawn,
Send me away with the words of a love song..
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother..
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby..

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I’ve had just enough time..

If I die young bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses..
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song..

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I’ve had just enough time..

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom,
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger..
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man,
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand..
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by..

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I’ve had just enough time..

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls,
What I never did is done..

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar..
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner..

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’,
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’..

If I die young bury me in satin,
Lay me down on a bed of roses..
Sink me in the river at dawn,
Send me away with the words of a love song..
oh oh

The ballad of a dove,
Go with peace and love..
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket,
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh..

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I’ve had just enough time..

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls..

Eli Potash recieves Christmas gift..

2010-12-23T10:01:00.000-08:00

I've seen Eli perform for years.. This is an incredible video..

A Lesson In Love.

2010-12-22T13:11:00.000-08:00

Animals have a funny way of stealing your heart.. On Christmas eve, when I was 9 years old, I started off saying how cute she was and how funny it was when she did that.. By then, I was already done for and completely unaware of the silent commitment we had made to each other..

I miss the Holly that was.. I miss every little thing, from her waking me up every morning with her silky paws, to the way she purred in the night while she dreamed.. Listing all of the things won't bring her back, but she will always live in my memory.. I hope I can find some eloquent words to honor her..

I'm shocked at how hollow I feel.. How empty.. My room is no longer mine, it's just a room.. Without her in it, anyone could sleep in it.. It's just a room and the one thing that embodied unconditional love is gone forever.. The room is cold and no longer alive..

I'm so lost without her.. Normally, when I feel down, I would go home to her, hold, love and cuddle her.. Her absence is the source of my heartache, and I'm at a loss about how to fix it..

I don't want her to miss me.. I want her to be at peace.. I wish there were some way of knowing that.. All of this pain would be worth it, if I could somehow know that I am the only one experiencing it.. I wish there were a way for me to know that she knew how much I loved her, how hard the decision was to make, and how it pained me to let go of her little body even after her soul had left..

I'll miss sleeping with her, she was my constant companion for over 20 years.. It's impossible to list all of the things we went through together..

A friend once told me that pets are different from people because pets love us, even with all of our warts.. But, I think our pets don't even see our warts.. In their eyes we are perfect, and to me, Holly was perfect.. That is a special kind of love.. A sacred, strong, pure love..

We could do no wrong in each other’s eyes.. I hope that where ever she may be, she knows that I couldn't and still can't find the perfect words to describe my love for her..I hope she knows that all of my tears are for her, and how much it hurts me to not have her by my side..

I hope she knows that I will never forget her..

Rest In Peace, Holly. ~1990-2010~

Holly Cat

2010-12-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday night, my cat was acting like a maniac. Friday morning, I was talking to my roommate about how bizarre she had been acting. A few minutes later she noticed my cat walking in small circles.

Something was wrong. I left for work and I was sick to my stomach. I e-mailed my boss and left at noon. I came home to be with her, and she was walking without much use of her back legs. She was wobbly and falling down. She kept falling between my mattress and wall.

I googled the signs of cat dementia and was heartbroken. At this time she was pacing. She walked around the basement, leaning against the walls, tracing the perimeter for hours. I was certain she was blind and retraining herself. She walked through her litter box several times, and knocked over her water glass. I was absolutely sick.

It continued to get worse that evening. I laid in bed with her all night, talking to her, trying to comfort her. I sobbed for hours. I told her I loved her, and that I had a feeling that was going to be the last night I had with her.

By Saturday morning I was certain I would have to put her down. She was getting stuck in corners, and walking into walls. She got stuck behind the dryer and never made a peep. She tried crawling into my wastebasket. I was sick to my stomach, and had to take an insulin injection, because my insulin pump couldn't keep up with the stress I was dealing with.

By noon, I was having difficulty breathing. I couldn't decide if I should take her to the vet, or get myself to the hospital. The emergency room won out. I could barely walk and my kidneys were killing me. By the time we left for the hospital, I had thrown up 4 times and was in a wheelchair. Three days later I was released. I was given fluids, on an insulin and glucose drip and on a strict blood testing, and eating schedule. My blood sugars were perfect in the night, but when I woke up and thought about my dear sweet Holly cat, I would cry and my blood sugar would spike.

I came home to my cat in worse condition than I had left her. She had not eaten, and was still pacing for hours at a time. I told myself that Wednesday would be my last day with her, that I would spare her the misery of dementia and pain. My eyes were literally seeping tears. I was choking on my own breath. I looked into at home euthanasia, but was unable to actually call and get a quote or schedule a time. Most of Wednesday she slept on my chest, we laid nose to nose; I think she wanted to be close, and my breath must have been comforting.

I heard her use the litter box and eat some. I listened as she drank her water, and she got back up on the bed with me. I noticed that her back legs were supporting her, and she was walking straight. I noticed that the pacing had stopped.

By Thursday I gave her some icing and milk. She's like her Mom and loves both!

I've grieved for days, and I haven't lost her. She seems normal now. I think she may have had a seizure. I'm not sure, but I haven't cried in two days.

I know that I could say goodbye and be with her when it's time. It's the "after" that I'm afraid of. She has been the love of my life for over 20 years. It will be difficult to learn to live without her. I know I will be lonely, and I know I will get through it, but what had me choking on my own tears was the thought of putting her into the cold ground. She loves her space heater and comforts of my soft bedding. The thought of her in a box in the ground chills me to the bone. But, I'm grateful for every day that I've had with her, and thankfully it looks like I will have a few more.

Healthy.. For me, at least..

2010-12-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

I started the HCG diet last Saturday.. For those of you that don't know, I take a shot a day and follow a very strict diet.. For more info do a little research.. Read the book Pounds and Inches, and know that there is a ton of literature on the subject, including cookbooks, and that this diet was developed by an Endocrinologist over 50 years ago..

I have lost 11 lbs in one week.. I have about 30 to lose.. Yes, it's a quick fix and to the naysayers, this blog is actually meant for you..

I have given up Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Coke.. I am guzzling water and have become a tea drinker.. I've traded in churros, mac and cheese, cheese enchiladas and donuts for lean meats, fruits and vegetables.. Although the list of what I can have for the first 40 days is very restrictive, eventually I will be able to introduce more healthy foods, including turkey breast, bananas, eggs and wheat bread..

I have gone from taking 69.0 units of insulin per day to 17.0-20.0 units per day.. My energy is up, I'm genuinely happy, more upbeat and I'm sleeping like a baby.. Not to mention, no more heartburn and indigestion..

So, for you people that think losing more than 2 lbs a week is "unhealthy" know that on this diet, I AM healthier than ever, and I get an added bonus of not feeling depressed and insecure about how I look..

For years, I have said, if not taking care of my Diabetes made me ugly or made my hair fall out, I would manage it.. But, looking at me, you would never know that my kidneys are on the verge of shutting down, or that taking a flight of stairs makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.. You would never know that sometimes I get winded in the shower just washing my hair, or that I could sleep days away because my blood sugar is so high, my body can't find the energy to function..

This diet has made my Diabetes manageable without hardly any maintenance from me, and the upside is, I feel good.. I feel good, about how I look, I feel good that I don't have a monkey on my back (Diabetes) every waking moment.. I feel good because I have more natural energy.. I feel good because I'm sleeping 8-9 hours a night.. I feel good, because the diet has made me view food as an energy source, not a pleasure.. I feel good because I look at food as something I have control over, whereas I didn't before.. Food was something I enjoyed 6-7 times a day.. Eating out, eating 3 times the amount I should at each meal, and costing me a fortune..

My Doctor is thrilled that I'm finally eating the way Diabetic should.. I'm done carb loading, and binging.. I don't have any cravings, despite watching people around me enjoy my favorite foods.. I'm really excited to see my end result in 29 days..

I may even post my before and after pictures along with measurements.. This is something I will have to maintain for the rest of my life, and it will be difficult.. But for me, it will be worth it..

I woke up at 5:52 AM..

2010-11-19T08:29:00.000-08:00

I had a tickle on my face and neck, and when I reached to itch, I realized that I had a ball of something in my hand.. I threw it, and then thought HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, that was a spider!! Right away, I knew it hit the wall and probably bounced back on my bed.. I found the little shit under my pillow, and as I do with all crawly things, I said, "#@*% you," and then smooshed him in toilet paper, threw him in the toilet and urinated on him.. The End..

Because I don't want to..

2010-11-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit since I've posted, but not since I have written.. I drafted this blog a few weeks ago and couldn't bear to finish it.. I knew I would come back to it later, but am still not sure if I will ever post it.. I don't feel that there is really any point in revisiting a time in my life that has left emotional scars that will never heal.. Part of me thinks that acknowledging it now, may bring back a lot of hatred I carried with me for a long time.. As I type now, I'm filled with shame..

I was a few months away from being twenty five when he proposed to me.. He was on one knee in the bathroom doorway and I was sitting on the toilet lid, crying my eyes out..

A few hours earlier I had told him I wanted to see other people.. It had been a long and painful relationship filled with hopelessness and loneliness.. It ultimately ended with him on bended knee holding a ring.. I knew he didn't really want to marry me, but I also knew he didn't want to lose me either.. I was bawling, because I had to say, no..

We had spent over five long years manipulating and abusing each other.. By the end, I didn't recognize the woman I had become with him; I was unaware when I had become someone so eager to hit, and someone so filled with silent anger and hatred.. He raised his hands to me, and made everything my fault.. He drained and abused me emotionally; I never spoke up, because fighting him wasn't worth my time.. I just took the silent treatment, and manipulation and said "sorry" most of the time just to have it over with.. I hated him slamming doors and screaming at me.. I was tired of being locked in his apartment, forced to endure all of it..

The last year of our relationship, I was in and out of the hospital.. I didn't have a car, and had no way of getting one, so I stayed, essentially because he was a ride to work.. When I needed the keys he would throw them into fields, and I had to go find them.. He had convinced me that because I was riding in his car, and spending a lot of time at his apartment, that I should "help" with the bills.. I stupidly gave him my paychecks.. When I needed to borrow $15.00 for a doctor's appointment, I went to his work, and had dollar bills thrown at me, like a whore, in front of everyone.. At a friend's birthday celebration, he took sips of his drinks and spit it in my face and all over my shirt.. He called me a "dumbass" in front of his family at Christmas dinner.. Often times, he would speed over 100 MPH on the freeway and roll the windows down to ensure that the time I spent doing my hair was wasted.. Once, he ejected a CD I had in his CD player, snapped it in half, handed me the keys, and walked off to work.. On a New Years Eve he violently flung a CD at my face like a frisbee.. My birthdays and other holidays were spent at home alone; somehow he always managed to pick an illogical reason to fight two weeks before any occasion that would otherwise be spent celebrating.. My pain brought him great pleasure..

I slapped him on one occasion.. On another occasion, I pushed him, and he fell, drunk, into the closet doors in my room in my parents house.. They were never able to repair the doors..

Now, I was no saint.. I did my fair share of yelling, and I know now, that hitting him was never appropriate.. I should have left and figured out a different way to get to work.. I should have removed myself from his car insurance policy.. I never should have given him money for his bills.. I should have listened to my few friends at the time, and my family members warning me that it would just get worse.. My fault in all of this was staying and subsequently becoming abusive, back..

This relationship left a bad taste in my mouth, no doubt.. If he would have proposed three years earlier we would have been married.. By now, we would have been divorced..

I'm going to be 30 this Sunday and am trying to find the words, the explanation, the reasons--the answer to the question that I'm asked often: Why don't you want to get married??

I usually respond "because I don't want to," but lately I have been trying to figure out exactly why.. I still don't know, but my mind always takes me back to this relationship, and the dysfunctional relationship that followed..

I don't believe that a ring would have changed the relationship.. I don't think a ceremony with the traditional vows and big white dress would have kept him and us from going down the excruciatingly destructive road that we ended up taking.. The relationship didn't start out abusive.. It started out with funny jokes and playfully poking fun at each other.. By the third year, it was time for it to end, but instead of doing that, we ended up with enough resentment to last us a life time..

I give this relationship too much credit; for years I let it taint the way I felt about commitment altogether.. I've correlated settling down to imprisonment, and even death of oneself.. I'm not healed; every once in a while, something as benign as different taste in music between two people, will drudge up feelings of despair.. I'm convinced I won't be "allowed" to listen to what I like and will be "forced" for years, to endure the type of music that makes me want to pull my hair out..

I don't know if I knew at the time that relationships were supposed to include feelings of respect, adoration, kindness, tenderness, playfulness, love and compassion.. I had no idea what it was to be understood, let alone, heard.. I didn't know that relationships are made up collectively of each person's strengths and weaknesses, effective communication skills, and comprehension of one another.. I had heard all of the words before, and I knew the definitions, but I was ignorant to the actions of these words, and that a compilation of them should equate to a reasonably healthy relationship..

I know that I shouldn't let that relationship be the basis of why I don't want to get married.. I understand that doing so would be charging and sentencing an innocent man for my previous partner's offenses..

I kind of look at marriage the way I look at college.. This is only an opinion and mine alone, but I see it as a means to an end.. I think going to college is fantastic, if you know what you want to do.. In my case, I went to socialize.. In the case of marriage, I think it's necessary if you want to have children.. I think a child should be given the opportunity to have a Mom and Dad, but I definitely do not believe in staying together for the children.. Say, I had a child with the man that spit beverages in my face, and drove recklessly more times than not.. Not only would I not allow a child of mine to witness and ultimately learn this behavior, but I would not lead my child to believe that this is an acceptable way to treat someone; staying and enduring such blatant disrespect would be detrimental and leading by a horrible example..

I think getting married should be a more difficult process.. Everyone talks about how it's too easy to walk away these days, but if you've ever walked away from someone, you know that it's not easy at all.. I think it should be more difficult to enter into marriages.. I think you would see what a couple is made of; I think you would find out how much a person wanted to get married, what lengths a person would go to to be granted the privilege of saying that they promise to have and to hold, to love, honor and cherish..

I think the meaning of marriage is lost in the weddings; from the flowers, cake, attire, bows and lace, colors, pleasing everyone, to seating, and bridal showers, to gifts, and fancy invitations.. I truly believe the level of commitment is put on the back burner for large diamonds, and the praise and recognition that comes along with the announcement..

My views may seem untraditional to most, but I see them as very traditional.. As traditional as it may be, and as disappointing as this may be to my relatives, I'm just not interested.. I've done all of the soul searching a person can do, and still can't pin point the exact reason or event that triggered my feelings about marriage.. It's much like many divorcing couples I know that can't pin point the reason or event when it went wrong..

Mean..

2010-10-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of a bitch.. Although I consider myself to be a funny one.. I like to make fun of people.. I'm not totally shallow, in that I don't just make fun of people that look like the cast of Jersey Shore, I also like to make fun of people that make spelling, and more importantly, grammatical errors.. I don't know why I feel that I'm qulaified to do so, but I don't know why people feel like dressing like the cast of Jersey Shore..

A girl I went to high school with (that looks like J-Woww with much worse skin) has written in her Facebook info that she "doesn't like people that can't hold and intelligent conversation.."

Obviously, she's and idiot..

Warning: Personal, gross but funny material ahead..

2010-10-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

Last week, I couldn't sleep.. I decided I would catch up on some blogs.. I follow a few, people I have never met, but that I find ridiculously funny..

It was about 2:00 am and I started reading.. I read two blogs, by two people that have no relation.. So, I found it interesting that the latest updates were both about poop.. Not knowing any better, I read them in their entirety..

Apparently being pregnant can cause you to become constipated.. Apparently, you don't have to be pregnant to be constipated..

I read of a woman that drank 2 Liters of Castro oil for her sweet release.. I read of another grown woman, her suppositories and her 15 minute wait time for sweet relief..

Eventually, I fell asleep, and when I awoke the next morning I recalled what I had read.. I was judging these women.. I thought it horribly disgusting to not only publicly share, but to share with the WORLD their very personal bowel issues.. I vowed I would never do something so repulsive..

But, karma always finds its way to me.. Last Saturday I was in Sandy, and decided to go to one of the best places for dinner.. I will not name the place because it is literally the biggest shithole ever, and no person I know would eat any food from there, let alone eat inside such a dilapidated building.. I have no idea how it passes inspection, but the philly steak sandwiches are so good and so big, I don't care.. Just to give you an idea, one of the patrons in the restaurant, if you can call it that, was wearing an oh-so-classy sweatshirt with a Swastika on it.. YEEEEEEAH..

So we sit, and eat.. We stuff our faces until we can barely move.. There was cheese, there was steak, and there was a hot pepper concoction smothered all over it..

When we finished, we made an awesome decision to run to Super Target; I know we had something in mind to get, but after the events that took place I don't recall what it was..

As we wandered aimlessly, I was struck with a birthing contraction that almost brought me to my knees..

Fortunately, it passed, I regained composure and got off my knees in the cereal aisle.. I looked at him, and said, “I'm going to the restroom..”

I'm in the Target restroom, waiting for another contraction that doesn't come.. I decide we had time to get to Barnes & Noble and home, and I'd be fine..

We begin to leave Target, and I'm struck with another contraction.. They are terrible and I feel like I should grip something at this point, but I'm in no hurry to get home because the contractions are still too far apart.. We have plenty of time to make it to the ~~hospital~~ uh, home to my private restroom..

He goes to B&N and I decide to go back into the Target restroom, where I know nothing will happen, because my bowels have an aversion to public toilets..

I call him and tell him to meet me at the car, that I think it's time.. We meet at the car and I gingerly get in the driver's seat.. He offered to drive, but honestly, he drives slow and the baby is coming.. I need to drive myself to concentrate on something other than the fact, that the contractions are getting closer and much more painful..

As soon as I sit, I'm hit with the worst one yet.. I'm leaning forward, gripping the steering wheel with both hands, barely able to lift my head.. This contraction does not pass.. I'm in writhing pain, and make an executive decision, to drive to my parents house in Draper.. There was no way in HELL I could have made it back to my neck of the woods in time..

I couldn’t' move to put my seat belt on, so I drove 80 miles an hour without one, on State Street moaning with every red light, whimpering every time my tires grazed a bump..

I decide to call my parents and tell them to have the ~~delivery room ready~~ front door unlocked.. I'm not sure what they are afraid of, but the house is always locked up tighter than Fort Knox, even when everybody is home..

My Mother attempts to make small talk, and I tell her, “I'm in no condition to be talking,” and hang up..

I slowed down to about 60 MPH in my folks neighborhood, and miraculously survived pulling into the driveway without my water breaking.. I slammed my car into Park.. I'm not sure if I even turned the car off, but I made it to the front door, that my dear, sweet, Mother was holding open for me and almost fell down the stairs trying to make it to my private birthing room..

I'm happy to report, that I didn't shit my pants.. But I know that it was brought on, by me judging others who recently had..

Reality Check

2010-10-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

You know you are fat when your friends/roommates have changed, "oooh, that looks hot", for "oh yeah, those pants are flattering.."

I'd be lying..

2010-10-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

if I said, "I haven't been talking about the show, 'Sister Wives' since I saw it.." I have had to actually take a few days and try to work out what I viewed in my mind.. I've thought about it, talked about it, and thought about it some more..

I first read about the show on Yahoo.com and Msn.com.. The show is getting national attention because it documents a polygamist family, and I'm assuming that we all know that polygamy is illegal, but for those who don't know, let me state that it is, in fact, illegal, even though it is still openly practiced in the state of Utah and a few others.. So proud to be a Utahn..

The show opens with a 'Welcome To Utah' sign.. It quickly delves into the everyday lives of Kody, the husband, Meri the first wife, and the other two wives.. They have legal proper names, but I don't remember what they are, and really, they share a husband; my low opinions of them would be much more offensive than the insult of forgetting their names..

Let me make it clear, I don't respect Kody or the first wife Meri, any more than I do the other two wives.. I will refer to Kody as Kody, and the wives as wife #1, wife #2 and so on..

Kody and the three wives were all brought up in polygamy.. Does that even need to be stated?? Kody married all three before concieving any children.. They have 12 or 13, I'm not sure of the exact number, because that's how little I care.. The third wife is currently pregnant, as opposed to just being pregnant.. ??

The house appears to be a normal house, but inside it is actually like three different apartments.. Kody sleeps in different areas of the house and has his schedule in his phone to help keep him on track.. Wife #1 has one child.. I don't know how many the others have, because in case you aren't following, I don't care.. One wife works from 6:15 AM to 7:30PM.. She states that she would rather work than be at home with the kids, and yet, that didn't stop her from having five or six.. I'm not sure of the exact number because I don't care.. The other wife, the one that is currently pregnant, stays home with the kids, and does the cooking and cleaning because the other wife is working such long hours, and in case you missed it the first time, prefers working, over being at home with her OWN offspring..

I'm not sure what wife #1 does all day, but it becomes apparent, to me at least, that being a sister wife is necessary because she was only able to produce one child.. Wife #1 states that she always knew she would be a sister wife, but that "there are jealousy issues she needs to learn to deal with," as she chokes back tears.. Meanwhile, Kody sits back and "seems" shocked to see wife #1 hurt like this..

Wife #3 explains that she was raised in polygamy and that she always knew she didn't want to be a first wife, because she never wanted a man to herself.. She also says she never wanted to be wife #2, because in her opinion, wife #2 is just a wedge between husband and wife.. She said she always heard that if a man was having marital problems with two wives that he should marry a third to "fix everything.." What wife #3 doesn't state is that she probably always thought she would be the third and LAST wife..

The premise of the show is that Kody wants to bring in a 4th wife.. So, he is very nervous about how the children will react.. Remember, the children were all born after he married the first three.. Kody sits down to tell the children that he would like Robin and her three kids to join the family.. The younger children are all very excited at the prospect of more ~~friends to have sleepovers with~~, family members and a new Mom, while one older child tells her dad, that "it is weird.."

In one scene Kody drives his Lexus to Robin's house for a date.. The show mentions that Kody drives four hours to court Robin.. Robin is unlike the other wives, in that she is slender, a brunette, and quite good looking--in comparison to the other wives.. Wife #3 is obviously NOT happy about Robin.. Wife #1 and #2 don't openly oppose it, but the undertones suggest that they are not thrilled with Kody dating another woman.. One wife states that being married to a man with multiple wives is different than being married to a man that is dating another woman.. I'm not sure which wife said that, because I don't care, but I am, admittedly, hooked to the show..

Stay tuned-- Sundays @ 10/9 central on TLC

Cousins..

2010-10-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

I have four.. Technically five.. When I was nine years old I had four cousins, three older boys and an adopted baby girl from Korea.. I didn't spend much time with my cousins.. They lived far away, and were all at least ten years older than myself, except for the baby girl and her brother's miraculous birth years later.. Needless to say, when I was nine, I didn't spend much time hanging out with twenty year old men, even though they were family.. I had no interest in them, and I'm sure the feelings were mutual..

After the move to Utah, I saw all of my cousins, one time each.. My oldest brother got married and almost everyone made it out for the wedding.. At this time, I was sixteen, and they were in their mid twenties, approaching thirty.. With that kind of age difference it's hard to relate.. At sixteen, I was in the throes of adolescence, although mine was never the typical self centered, spoiled rotten type of universe; the main difference was gender.. Here I was, a sixteen year old girl, worrying about my hair and make-up, surrounded by young men that immersed themselves in college, sports, and women their own age..

It's not that I didn't care about them, and I'm sure it's not that they didn't care about me.. But it is hard to really care about someone you don't know; someone that lives across the country, someone that is living a life that is so far ahead of your own life experiences..

This week, one of my cousins and his wife, came out to Utah to stay for a week, to celebrate his 40th birthday.. I knew my cousin had married, I knew she was from Poland.. I remembered my cousin as a jovial man with tufts of blond curly hair.. I recall that he liked to play hockey.. I remember him playing the trumpet.. The memories of him in my mind, were always of him smiling, always happy, and always hanging out with my brothers..

It's been such an amazing experience to get to know my cousin.. The gender difference is gone, the age difference is not an issue.. Late night discussions have ranged from God, to children, to Brazilians, to Poland, to dogs, to workouts and diets.. We have literally discussed everything under the sun, from music to movies to politics.. This past week has made me realize how badly I wish they were neighbors.. My cousin and his wife are people I would spend a great deal of time with, people I would like to see movies with and share a home cooked meal with on a Saturday evening..

They are family, no doubt.. But now, they are friends, and I will miss them so..

Jinxed..

2010-09-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while.. It seems as though every time I complain about something, something ELSE comes up, and trumps the previous something.. I swear I jinx myself at least 5.7 times a day.

A perfect example is when I was cleaning houses for a little extra cash on the side, and while cleaning ONE house, I would swear that there wasn't a dirtier house on the planet.. Somehow, the next house was always more disgusting than the previous house.. The house coated in dog hair, with layers of spaghetti sauce on the stove, took the back burner, (no pun intended) to the house of college boys that broke an entire jar of salsa on the kitchen floor and left it for me to clean up the following week.. I complained about that, and the cosmic universe gifted me with a house that had six muddy mountain bikes and a bike rack drilled into the floor of the kitchen..

Eventually, I came to my senses and gave up the lucrative position and title of "Cleaning Lady.."

I previously blogged about the spiders in my home.. Life has a funny way of putting things into perspective, doesn't it??

The other night, I ate a few pieces of Candy Corn before I went to bed.. For the record, Candy Corn is like, my favorite candy ever.. Along with Milk Duds, Sugar Babies, Starbursts, Bit O' Honey, Skittles, etc. etc.

While Candy Corn only tastes good for an instant, it guarantees that the average Diabetic will be up, emptying the bladder anywhere from 3.2 to 7.6 times a night.. During one of these bladder emptying sessions, I noticed worms on the bathroom floor.. Wait, what??

Yeah, maggots.. (Pronounced Mag-Gots.) I only noticed five, so I smooshed them in toilet paper and went back to sleep.. They were coming from my roommate's bathroom closet, so in my sleepy brain, I filed the mag-got problem to her file.. At the time, I couldn't possibly wrap my head around the fact that I had mag-gots in my living quarters..

When I awoke the next morning, there were none.. The next morning there were eight.. All over the bathroom.. I sent a text to my roomie from work. "Hey lady!! we have maggots in the bathroom.. When will you be home?? I think we should have a cleaning party.." A few texts later, and she had found mag-gots on the stairs..

I went home that afternoon to a full on mag-got takeover.. I'm literally itching as I type.. The mag-gots were under every piece of furniture, covering baseboards, and crawling up walls..

The three of us moved the refrigerator.. We moved the stove.. We moved the TV and the piano.. The house still smells strongly of bleach, and we are still finding mag-gots..

A little research has shown that an average female blow fly lays around 500 eggs.. Anywhere from 75- 150 at a time..

In four hours of cleaning on our hands and knees, with rags soaked in bleach, we killed about 150..

If any of you know of a God I can pray to, and maybe make a deal with, please give me his phone number.. I promise to take back all of the complaining I did about spiders, if that means that my house will never be infested with mag-gots again..

Amen..

*itches scalp*

I don't have any money..For that.

2010-09-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

When I was 7 years old, my Mother lied to me.. I don't recall if it was the first lie she had ever told me but it was one that she told often.. "I don't have any money.." I was 7 years old and knew that I wasn't just imagining the cash in her purse.. It was there, and there was a lot of it..

I'm not about to tell you that I grew up with a loving Mother that was secretly hooking on the side and lying to her children every day.. My Mother never worked as a call girl, and my Mother never lied to me..

What my Mother meant was, I don't have money--for that.. By the time I was 16 years old, I realized that the money I earned was not mine, and after spending an hour in the Diabetes Specialty Center buying Diabetic supplies, I realized that just because I had money didn't mean I could afford anything..

When I started working at the Hunstman Cancer Institute I was making a little over six dollars an hour.. I've had three or four small raises in the past 10 years..

The cost of living has gone up.. In the past year my utility bills have increased by 1/4.. I moved from a house with hard wood floors to a house with carpet.. In the house with carpet there is only one small area to watch TV, whereas my other house had two very large living areas.. I've gained a lot, and I've made a lot of compromises as well.. I've gained a lot in the way of things.. An iPod, and a laptop computer.. I have a new insulin pump, and I think I even previously blogged about my new awesome dresser and bookshelf..

I got all of this in the past year, and haven't had a raise in over three.. Needless to say, my monthly payments have gone up; I owe two separate dentists for procedures that were done last year.. I'm trying to save up to buy a box spring for my mattress, that is currently on the floor..

I have a job, and I have money, but I don't have money for the things that most people want me to have money for..

I've never expected my friends to explain to me how they afford trips to Belize, France, or Costa Rica.. I've never asked them how they can afford to live in a brand new, fully furnished condo.. And yet, people constantly wonder, and ask, why I haven't been to Europe, or "why I don't just get my own place.."

Maybe their Mothers gave them everything they wanted.. Maybe their Mothers spared no expense when it came to their children.. Maybe it's been a few years since they struggled, and have forgotten.. They may talk about their hard times, but maybe they can't actually remember what it felt like to not be able to afford the seemingly affordable things..

I know people that have had their credit cards paid for, by their parents.. These same people are living in homes their parents "helped" them get.. I have friends that ask their Mom and Dad for money when they run out..

I'm 29 years old and realize now, that my Mother wasn't lying to me when she said she didn't have any money.. I realize now, that she had bills to pay, and mouths to feed.. I realize that as much as she wanted to take my brothers and me to a movie, she just didn't have money for that.. That ten dollars didn't seem like much to me as a seven year old, but I know now, that sometimes ten dollars can mean the difference between going to bed hungry or not..

Becky Runk [What's on your mind?]

2010-09-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

I deactivated my Facebook account.. You would think I died or something.. I received several text messages and e-mails regarding my decision.. People have wondered if they had offended me or if I'm completely mentally ill..

I mean, how can anybody function without Facebook?? How did anyone get married without the official change of relationship status on Facebook??!!

I decided to make a comeback for a day and let everyone know that I wasn't offended by anyone.. I'm just over it.. And yes, I have my reasons, and yes there are actually about a brazillian of them.. It's hard to pinpoint, but I may list a few so you can all rest easy..

Reason #682: it sucks up way too much of my time, and I have ZERO self discipline to not log on, and let it suck up way too much of my time..

I'm tired of updates like:

-Abuse of Your/You’re
-Updates about how wonderful your children are..
-Updates about how much you think your kids are brats..
-16 y/o angst: “Love is evol spelled backwords im single o well gotta deal wit it this happens every time”
-I can’t even categorize this: “ I love rainbows and maybe you could see rain as the Universe sharing water with the Earth.......for free.. Not all people have access to a tap that gives clean water; be grateful..”
-I see a TON of this stuff: “Holding on to that promise that the Lord won't give me anything I can't handle...and a prayer in my heart...”
-“hanging at my moms than gonna go to the store.. text ♥”
-Poopy!! “No more diapers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wahoooooo! Those things cost some serious money!!!!!!!!”
-Abuse of there, their, and they're..
-My personal favorite: using "then" instead of "than" when making a comparison..
-Updates about how life is shitty or great.. Yeah, life can be shitty sometimes.. It can also be pretty great.. I don't need to read it, to know it, thanks..

Reason # 984: If I'm being honest, I must say that I thought my updates were beginning to fall into these categories.. At first, I really thought I was funny.. But it's like, I hit my lifetime funny limit.. I hit a wall and couldn't come up with anything witty.. Then, I was struck by the horrific thought of people logging onto Facebook and rolling their eyes at my boring updates.. I think I thought this, because that is EXACTLY what I was doing every time I logged on.. One day, I decided to delete some friends.. As I viewed my list, I realized that I was keeping guys I don't really like, just because it's my friend's boyfriend, and I didn't want to ruffle any feathers..

The problem is, I'm not the type that has EVER thought twice about ruffling feathers!! So, I'm taking a break.. I may be back, I may not, but I have no intention of being the Bret Favre of Facebook.. But at this point, I don't miss Facebook at all!! It got to a point where it wasn't entertaining anymore.. I found that I was more irritable than normal, and quite frankly, I'd rather spend my time reading about REAL issues going on in the world..

Reason # 1013: I was stressed out.. Life gets that ways sometimes.. Yeah, you read it here first..

Reason #1 for changing my blog to private: There is a man named *Carl.. *Carl lives in another state and has begged me to friend him on Facebook.. When I told him I don't like to friend people I don't know he messaged me to tell me that he is following my blog, and that he thinks I'm a talented writer..

I checked out *Carl's blog to see if he had any basis whatsoever to judge anybody's writing skills.. Turns out *Carl is a creep, and it only bothers me because it throws my "all *Carl's are stand up men, who would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it" theory..

His blog consisted of irrational thoughts, and rants of name-calling, (to whom, I'm unsure) but he sure does like to use the term "douche-bag" and periodically posts clips of pornography.. Let's all thank *Carl for A) ruining my *Carl name theory B) putting my blog on lockdown and C) being a douche-bag..

I love writing, and I plan to blog a little more often, now that I'm not wasting time on Facebook.. If any of you have any topics you'd like me to write about, I'm very open to that.. I have a few ideas right now, and am excited to share a story or two about my younger years.

A Spee- A Spi- A spi-der-der-der.. An Arachnid..

2010-08-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have a few readers.. My dad and brother complete that list.. Thanks guys, I appreciate it..

As you know I have moved into my new place, and it is wayyyyyyyyy better than my last place.. The girls are pretty unassuming, and support my twisted addiction to Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant.. They have a lot of other redeeming qualities, but well, that is not the reason why I'm choosing to blog on this beautiful Tuesday night.. I should be cleaning out my car, but I need to address a few things first, and really, I prefer writing..

I live in a basement that fortunately lacks the musty, damp smell and feel.. My window is open and I get an amazing breeze through here.. My mattress is on the floor because my queen box spring wouldn't fit down the stairs, much to my disappointment.. If I had a big girl bed, my living area would actually appear respectable..

I have an enormous bathroom, with a pretty dumb, stall shower.. I know there are people living in caves in Afghanistan that would probably lay down and die for a stall shower but, I dislike it, and think that by recognizing that somebody else would be grateful for it, somehow excuses the fact that I am once again, bitching about a luxury..

The other day I was showering, and a spider skittered out from underneath my roommate's shampoo bottle.. It was a harmless, tan, little thing, and it was headed for the drain.. It stopped short, but I don't normally shower in tennis shoes, so I let him hangout, eying him the entire time I washed, thinking back to the shower scene in Arachnophobia.. In the movie, the spider climbs up the faucet, and dangles on the shower head, and gets jerked into the stream of water, and tangled in the poor girl's hair.. My new spider friend stayed in one place and made no attempt to bite me and I have concluded that he was just a pervert, trying to get a peek..

The next evening I was back in the shower keeping my eyes peeled for pervert, when a NEW, dark brown, angular, spider made a run for it.. This spider scared me, but alas, I was without shoes.. I bailed as soon as I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair..

At this point, I'm grossed out.. It's that time of year when it gets cooler at night and spiders naturally want to be inside.. I found myself happy that the spiders have only been in my shower and I was still sleeping peacefully.. Until last night..

I came home and found a blood red, rather large, spider hanging out on my wall above my bed.. I did a double take, and went straight for the bathroom.. I unraveled about half a roll of toilet paper and balled it up in my and.. A shoe was out of the question.. I only STEP on spiders.. Any other action and you risk missing, the spider rolling, and skittering into your sheets to wait for your slumber.. I was not about to risk this kind of violation of my personal space, and be some spider's feast..

I walked onto my mattress and smashed the red spider.. He literally exploded.. The snapping of is bulbous body could have been heard from the other room..

Now, I'm grossed out and pissed off.. I would have appreciated the spiders being the same kind; I could have talked myself into believing that it was just one spider making the rounds, watching over me as I slept, showering with me in the evening, concerned about my safety.. I would have told myself that he was trying to be my friend and not wanting to harm me..

Now, that I have encountered a few spiders, I've decided I'm going to get a big girl bed, and get my mattress off the ground.. I'm going to find a bug spray that won't harm my kitty, and kill the crap out of the spiders and any other creepy crawler that is trying to get in..

It's either that, or I'm going to start charging them rent..

Something that upsets me..

2010-08-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

And I'm upset by most things.. MOST things.. I've blogged previously about obvious things, like roommates, roommates, roommates, parking lots, Laundromats, and parking lots at Laundromats..

But this really upsets me, upsets me more than just slight irritation.. I'm hurt, and my heart aches for animals that are traded in for a new living space..

I'm so tired of seeing Facebook status updates about people trying to "give away" their great pets because they are moving and "can't have them anymore.."

I've had a cat for 20 years, and I don't know many cat lovers.. However, if my cat is not welcome in an apartment or house, I won't live in that apartment or house.. If my friend needs a roommate and is allergic to cats, I don't move in with that friend..
I guess I'm old fashioned, but I am so tired of people not taking responsibility, or recognizing the responsibility one takes on when they say vows, or PURCHASE an animal..

I'm sure my parents had a hard time affording four children.. In fact, I KNOW they did, for most of our entire lives, but they didn't give one of us away because the house they could afford only had three bedrooms..

From now on, if I see something posted by a friend about "giving their pet a NEW good home," I will delete said person..

I would hate to see how these people problem solve on a day to day basis..

Grow up.. Do what it takes.. Take responsibility for your actions..

It's a life, and you made a decision to be responsible for that life, so f#%*ing do it..

Holly

2010-08-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

It was Christmas Eve, 1990..

The house was dim, lit only by our Christmas tree and those fake, plastic candles with the light bulbs, filling every window.. Mannheim Steamroller was in the CD player, playing softly..

I had no idea why my Mother was so anxious.. I had no idea why she kept pacing.. I had no idea why my Dad was late coming home from work..

I had no idea that that night, my life was going to change forever..

I was ten years old, adjusting to our move out here from Michigan.. At ten, I hated the snow and the cold, but Christmas was and still is my favorite time of year, although the reasons have changed drastically with age..

My Mom had made a lot of Christmas treats and I recalled just wanting to eat them.. She stood at the front door and kept saying, "I wonder where Dad is.."

My Dad pulled up and my Mom rushed out of the house.. I sat on the couch with my little brother not feeling the energy around me, but knowing that everyone else was..

My Mom and Dad came in with a small gray kitten in their arms.. They handed her over to me, and told me I had to feed her and change her litter box, and that they would get her declawed and spayed for me..

I was in shock.. I had never even thought about having a pet of my own.. I had never asked to have a pet, let alone, a tiny kitty..

I named her Holly, without much thought, other than it was Christmas and I loved holly and ivy..

It was a whirlwind.. I remember my brothers coming home to see her and my brother's girlfriend coming over.. Everyone asked if they could hold her, like she was a newborn baby..

I let everyone hold her when she was awake.. I remember telling my brother to "quiet down," because Holly was sleeping under the chair in the living room and I didn't want her to wake up..

Christmas morning came and went.. I have no recollection of Christmas Day, including what was left, if anything, under the tree for me.. I had Holly, and that was all I cared about.. I was ten years old, and I instantly loved her.. I wanted to protect her, and rock her to sleep every night..

It pained me to leave her in the unfinished part of our basement, locked in our laundry room, with her litter box and food.. I went back to school, and left a radio playing softly in case she wanted "company.."

Once she was litter trained, she slept on my bed, every night.. She loved to tear around the house, and wander early in the morning..

She's 20 years old now, and still sleeps on my bed every night.. Her hearing isn't what it used to be, but she still sees enough to hate everyone, but me..

I've taken her to the vet a few times for Urinary Tract Infections; her kidneys aren't working like they used to.. She's my baby and I have loved her more every day, I've had with her..

Holly is 96 years old in human years.. I feed her four times a day, and she has never weighed more than seven pounds.. She loves when I sing to her, and hates when I cry.. She sleeps at the end of my bed in the crook of my legs, and from time to time, will bite my hair if I don't wake up on time and feed her..

Everyone calls me the crazy cat lady, even though I only have one and never asked to get one when I was 10 years old.. Sometimes I think and hope that she'll live forever, not wanting the day to come when I have to say goodbye to my constant companion; the only one who has loved me unconditionally, the only one that has never been disappointed in me, the only one who has never thought less of me for any decision, for her entire life..

I make a lot of comments..

2010-08-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

About bad parenting and disobedient children.. While I am not a Mother and have no plans to ever be, I think back to how I was raised, and how my dear friend's raise their well behaved children..

My parent's started immediately.. They recognized collectively that it was THEIR job and theirs alone, to raise well mannered, obedient, courteous, responsible children..

I don't have fond memories of spending Saturday afternoon's at the movies or playing at parks, or ever having free reign over an area, my actions, or my body.. I wasn't given the opportunity "to explore and express myself freely.." I don't think my parents felt that at the age of 6, I should have had much choice regarding anything, let alone my fashion, the color of my hair, or a choice in religion..

My parents guided me through life.. They helped form who I was when I was young, so I could make educated decisions when I was older..

In my house, I wasn't allowed to say, "hate," shut up" "fart" or any kind of variation of curse words.. "Flipping and "fetching" were as good as the real word..

I was raised in a household that spanked, and grounded for simple offenses.. There weren't many on my part, seriously.. My parents had a stick to spank us with.. If one of us lied, or back talked my dad would say, "go get the stick.."

My Mother and Father NEVER put us in time-out, or counted numbers.. They spanked us and grounded us, and NEVER threatened.. One brother was grounded for 7 months.. He never asked when his punishment was over, as he knew he would have more time added just for asking..

My parents were strict.. I wouldn't say abusive, although by today’s standards, that's exactly what it was.. We weren't allowed to explain, or excuse behavior away.. We weren't allowed to roll our eyes, back talk, or even be outwardly angry at them..

Sometimes I laugh when I overhear parent's say, "I know you are mad at me and that's Ok.." We were made to feel that our feelings weren't valid, because we were the children, and they were the adults.. That way, we listened and respected ALL adults..

In my house, we were punished, and our reward for good behavior was not being punished--and it worked!!

Even when I was grounded or after I was spanked, I don't recall ever thinking, I hate my parents..

I wasn't allowed to do much, and by "allowed" I mean, go without punishment, whether it was a spanking or a grounding, but I have the utmost respect for my parents, for doing the hardest job on earth, raising four amazing children, and still having them come home on the weekends to talk about sports, politics, religion, and other current events..

We weren't allowed to disagree as young children, but now as adults, we all have very strong, differing opinions.. My parents parented, they guided us, and as we got older they helped advise.. I never wanted my Mom to be my best friend, and never thought ill of her for not wanting to be.. I think more of them, for the outstanding job they did, parenting..

My lease..

2010-07-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

Is finally up on Saturday 7/31.. I'm terribly sad to be leaving the actual home.. I enjoy the space, and the layout, and most of all the yard..

However, I have not enjoyed living with neurotic divas with eating disorders, and self proclaimed princesses..

When I muster up enough courage to go back to the sometimes horrible memories, I may expound on the girl that said "I'm not doing that" at least 100 times a day, or the other girl that sobbed constantly about her unstable boyfriend, and the fact that she weighed 114 pounds versus 113 pounds the previous day..

Petty, narcissistic, neurotic, under medicated, overmedicated, skanky, addicted, anorexic, obsessive compulsive, controlling screamers, does not even begin to cover it..

However, I did make a great friend in Trina and will miss living with her..

Maybe in the future, I will be able to write freely about my experiences living with the women who did not fulfill the full terms of their lease, without suffering from symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome..

Horoscope..

2010-07-28T13:25:00.001-07:00

Your Horoscope - Today, July. 28, 2010

Your extrasensory abilities are heightened today, Becky, giving you insight into yourself and those around you. It is almost a scary experience, as you may feel that you are privy to private information. Take note of what you pick up on today, Becky. You have unique insight into human relationships. Perhaps you could write an article or illustrate in some way the complexities of social interactions.

Butterflies..

2010-07-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

Up until I was in Kindergarten, I wanted to be a butterfly when I grew up.. I realized a few years later that I would probably have to have a real job, and at the age of 12, I dreamed of being paid to name the color of nail polish.. This idea carried me through many years of babysitting for a few dollars every night.. By the time I was 15, I had a legitimate job, earning a real paycheck with taxes taken out, and everything.. I felt so grown up.. Forget that I was painting faces and making balloon animals at company parties.. I was big time!! But, I was still trying to figure out how to land the nail polish gig.. I was full of fabulous names like Wyatt Urple Purple, Buxom Blue, and Merlot Migraine..

Somewhere along the line, while working jobs like Orange Julius, Victoria's Secret, and flower shops, my nail polish naming dream faded and died without any conscious recognition..

I went to high school, not really caring about good grades, because college, in my mind was idiotic.. Why would I pay money I didn't have, for something, when I could be out making it??

There were a few things I did care about, like being to school on time.. If I wasn't to school on time I got in trouble.. Yelling, and grounding always ensued..

There was no bus, and we didn't live within safe walking distance, my brother and I were not living in the correct boundaries.. So, we found a kid that had a car.. This guy called himself Chachi, which is a slang term for the female anatomy, and smoked weed constantly.. I'm sure, I attended a few classes with a contact high because Chachi had hot boxed the car on the way to school, but at least I wasn't tardy and that's all that mattered.. I think my parents thought that lesson was important and stressed it because being on time to a job is the first rule.. School was never encouraged in my home.. Working hard for a paycheck was..

Needless to say, I never got a degree.. Sometimes, I'm embarrassed when a new person asks where I went to college..

I like to think that I got a Master's Degree in Bad Decisions.. I spent time with an unlovable person, and with another that didn't want to be loved.. Instead of cramming for exams, I was learning lessons in personal finance.. I didn't backpack across Europe trying to find myself, or take countless business management classes hoping to become a wealthy CEO.. I didn't go to med school, or law school, craving success and money.. I didn't go to college because the truth is, the biggest dream I ever had was to get paid to make up names for nail polish..

IKEA..

2010-07-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

Les Schwab patched two of my tires last week, and then did a free brake check.. I have had some grinding for a bit now, and despite another place telling me that my brakes were fine, I asked the guys at Les, to re-check them.. Sure enough, I need new brakes, calipers and rotors..

Naturally, I went to IKEA.. Not for brakes, calipers and rotors, but to spend my money on things I actually want to spend my money on..

I'm moving soon, into a smaller place, and I want my smaller place to be nice.. My brakes will figure themselves out.. Obviously, I'm financially irresponsible, but it works for our presidents, so I'm not too worried about it.. I kid, I kid..

Instead of saving for my own place, I'll torture myself for years to come, by renting small rooms and living with people that leave groceries out on the counter, meanwhile cupboards are empty and lonely.. Or people who think alcohol bottles and beer cans must be displayed throughout our living quarters, or the girl that has at least 20 bottles of shampoo in the shower at any given time.. I believe in one bottle of shampoo and conditioner, and keeping them out of sight.. I don't believe any visitor should know what kind of shave gel I use on my legs, or what kind of bread I eat, or what my adult beverage stock looks like..

I've been to IKEA a few times before.. I've left wanting to burn myself in a scalding shower the instant I returned home.. IKEA is germ infested.. I have never seen so many children, especially here in Utah, running wild and free throughout displays.. I would never let my child anywhere near the children's toys or bedroom displays.. I think of lice and scabies, and I actually itch just walking by them.. The restaurant is terrible, but the place is so big, I literally need to have a meal while I am there, or I would die of starvation, and be found stinking and rotting, in the home organization department.. I figure, not many children are too fascinated with shelving and hooks and have pretty much kept their grubby paws to themselves in that area..

I went this weekend though, and it was an entirely different experience, and I'm sure it was because I was buying.. I bought a sweet bookshelf, and an awesome dresser.. I'm so excited to get my new place set up, that I didn't even notice the snot filled noses of most of the disobedient children.. The sounds of screaming children were muted and the smell of cinnamon buns almost covered the smell of poopy diapers.. I was looking at mirrors, and I don't think my feet even hurt.. I can't wait to go back for a new floor lamp, and storage shelves for a few of the closets in the new house..

But, just in case the euphoria of IKEA wears off before I escape it, I'll add some whiskey to my 64 oz. Diet Coke just to ensure I don't strangle the child darting out on front of me, the one that insists on flipping her flip flop off of her foot, and chasing it with her every step..

I adore children..

2010-07-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

But I don't want any of my own.. I don't think Motherhood is a right.. I think it's a gift.. I think it's a right to choose NOT to have them..

Everyone I know is married and babies are on the way.. I have friends that have anywhere from three to five, even my baby brother had his first baby yesterday.. I can't wait to meet him.. I adore children, and think I would actually be a decent Mother.. After all, I've kept my cat alive for 20 plus years.. That means something, right??

Recently, I've been joking about getting a hysterectomy.. If you've known me for any amount of time, you know I joke regularly about my ovaries falling out, or how I think Target should sell a DIY at home, hysterectomy kit..

Truth is, I know any medical professional would advise me to not, NOT, have babies.. I could not carry to term without harming, or worse, killing myself or my baby.. My Doctor doesn't really want me to have a driver's license, let alone, a fetus growing in my belly..

I'm sure I could get an elective hysterectomy, no problem.. If I want to adopt, I can pay for a child.. I think I should be able to pay to ensure that I won't have one, just the same..

I'm sure you know a neighbor's Aunt that is Diabetic, that had 3 children, just fine.. I hear all the time how you can have healthy babies if you take care of yourself.. If I wanted a baby, I would consider it.. But even then, I would think back to my friend in middle school who's Mother lost her eyesight during childbirth from pushing, and ruptured capillaries in her eyes.. Or another dear friend that lost his Diabetic Mother when he was 9 years old to a Diabetic coma, only to lose his baby sister shortly after, because she was born underdeveloped..

The stories can go either way, sweet or frightening.. Diabetes aside, I don't want children and haven't for years.. Everyone says, "you're still young, you may change your mind.." I'm not going to change my mind.. I'm NOT going to change my mind..

People have told me that having a hysterectomy could throw me into pre-mature menopause.. Is that supposed to be scary?? I'd probably have a hormone imbalance, that I would deal with.. It beats being sick two weeks out of the month like I am now.. I'm really giving this a lot of thought.. So, don't be surprised if I'm an ovary or two less in the next two to three years..

Landromat and Image..

2010-06-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

The other day I was at the Laundromat washing my bedding.. I have a large alternative down comforter that is far too big for the little washer at my house..

The place where I go is large, with enough room for me to sit and read a book without having to be in the same vicinity of another person.. I put my comforter in the $5.00 Maxi load washer.. This facility has washers that start and range from Single Load, Double Load, Mega Load and Maxi Load.. The dryers are large and line an entire back wall..

I sit down and realize I'm the only female there with about six other obviously, single men.. Shortly after I realize this, a couple pulls up in a brand new Chevy Silverado.. They haul in every piece of dirty laundry they own and start loading up washers.. I notice the women has acrylic nails, bleached hair and a nice tan.. They silently ate Arby's sandwiches and curly fries as their laundry washed..

I kept looking at their beautiful new truck, and wondering why they would prefer to drive a brand new truck, and pay for artificial nails, rather than just buy a damn washer and dryer..

My Maxi Load winds down from the spin cycle, and I look over to the three more expensive, extra large, dryers in the corner, and see some bleached haired punk, loading his shorts and socks into the dryers that were obviously meant for sleeping bags and comforters, and it sends me into a tailspin.. I experienced an internal mini-tantrum that makes me blush when I think about it.. In my head, I called him every name in the book, including selfish and oblivious to those around him, needing to put sleeping bags and comforters in the washer..

His friend, roommate, lover, I'm not really sure what, walks in the door, and bleached hair punk exclaims, "These dryers work so much better than the other ones!!"

I almost lost my head.. I sat, seemingly patient, blood secretly boiling, invisible steam coming out of my ears, and waited for about 3 minutes, before I loaded my soaking wet, enormous comforter into my arms and blindly walked over next to the guys, and slapped it down on the counter in front of the huge dryers..

Finally, after about 5 minutes of standing there acting like I didn't mind that he was drying his boxers, he took his socks out of the extra large dryer, and began folding them..

Ah, gee thanks.. I put my comforter in the dryer and set it for 18 minutes and watched them take their clothes out to their car.. Their brand new BMW 5 series..

I'm not driving a nice car by any means, but it's a decent car, it gets me where I need to go, and more importantly where I want to go.. If I had the choice, I'd have a washer and dryer and skip the damn fancy car.. I’d save the 25 bucks it cost me every two weeks to get my nails done and buy a washer.. I’d skip the spray tan and use the money saved, and buy a dryer.. Matching or not, doing my laundry at home, on my time, would be worth it..

My last years..

2010-06-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

When I was 20 years old, my Doctor told me I had 5 years to live, based on the non-existent attention I was giving my Diabetes treatment.. I know now, that this was merely a scare tactic.. He followed up by saying that it would be a long, slow, painful death, starting with kidney dialysis a few times a week, blindness and eventually amputations..

Instead of "scaring me straight" I began to think of the few things I could accomplish in my last painful, blind years.. Going to college and getting a degree would take too long, and really, I would be dying, so I didn't want to do anything too terribly difficult..

I was involved with someone, and he was not exactly a stand up guy.. He treated me like trash, but I was in the state of mind, that only he could love me because I was going to die in 5 years.. He was controlling, and I was depressed; my judgment was clouded with constant thoughts of being trapped by my circumstances..

In my warped mind, I had 5 years to live, and I thought that maybe I could get married.. It wouldn't be too hard, and I was going to die so I didn't have to be married to him forever.. I thought about some of the people going to my viewing and funeral, walking past my casket and saying, "at least she was married.."

Nine years later I laugh, and think about how foolish I was to believe my Doctor, and how foolish I was to have stayed in an abusive relationship for 6 and 1/2 years..

Nine years later, I laugh that even at 20 years of age, I somehow related death to marriage and vice versa..

Some things NEVER change..

Censorship..

2010-06-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I'd like to write about.. Unfortunately, every once in a while, I get a random e-mail from a family member that loves my bogs.. Saturday night, I was at burger joint and a drunken friend mentioned that he reads my blogs.. Recently, a coworker asked why his wife was unable to view my blogs.. I was at a wedding a few months ago, when a cute woman about my age, came up and introduced herself to me, explained how she knew the bride, and told me that she has also read my blogs..

I had no idea I had an audience, and now that I do, I don't write freely.. I'd like to write about the time I went to get a bikini wax and ended up with bald patches of skin in the shape of Texas and Florida in my nether regions, but am horrified of what my Dad and brother would think.. They just read the previous sentence in shock, and disgust, I'm sure.. However, if I would have blogged about the entire horrible, horrible experience, I'm sure they would have had a good laugh, despite being grossed out at the thought of my bikini line..

I have a few stories about a co-worker.. Ok, I have about a thousand stories about a few co-workers.. Fear of being fired, or sued for slander, keep me from writing the hilarious stories.. People often complain about mouth breathers, but I don't really get that annoyed unless I'm stuck in an elevator with them.. I'm annoyed by people that insist on breathing through a stuffy nose, forcing me to listen to a whistly booger, hanging on for dear life, inside the nose.. Inhale, exhale, whistle, whistle..

I'd like to write funny stories about my past, but I was probably in some sort of really messed up relationship, and I don't want to think about it.. I was kind of a victim in the sense that he was abusive, but I wasn't really a victim because I put up with it.. However, in this certain relationship my car caught on fire, on the freeway.. I was stranded for 2 hours, as 13 highway patrolmen drove past my burning car.. Looking back, I laugh, because that was the best thing that could have ever happened to that piece of shit.. Just not the best thing for me, at the time..

I guess I could write about the time I wore a strapless dress to a wedding, and when I went to catch the bouquet, the dress may or may not have slipped down.. At the same wedding, a complete stranger pointed out that I had left the tags on my cute shrug that I wore over said strapless dress, you know, to keep it classy..

I could write about the time I dated a guy and a year after we broke up, he was convicted of rape, but some people might not find that funny..

I have a lot to write about, but am censoring myself so much.. I'm sorry my blogs haven't been very entertaining as of late, and I'd like to apologize to my Dad and brother who are probably trying to poke their eyes out, to get the visual of my waxing experience out of their minds..

Life Changes..

2010-06-14T14:15:00.001-07:00

I bought my first iPod on Friday.. For a long time, I've been annoyed by the infamous iPod abusers.. People that listen mainly to ignore people.. I've blogged about this before; it might be why I felt so ashamed for the first few hours, ok, minutes, of owning one..

I felt like a sellout.. Fortunately that feeling dissipated almost as fast as it came.. I've been downloading music for hours.. My ears actually hurt.. I'm not kidding.. My eyes feel like sandpaper from being up so late staring at my computer screen every night.. Well, if I'm being totally honest I should acknowledge and give credit to vodka and getting to bed at 3:00 A.M. on Saturday night.. Sometimes, SOMETIMES, I can be fun..

I'm pretty sure I will never be in a bad mood again.. This might be one of those purchases that forever changes my life.. Much like the day I purchased a laundry hamper or the blustery December day I bought slippers..

I Go To Sleep- Sia

2010-06-14T13:51:00.001-07:00

When I look up from my pillow
I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away
I know you'll always be near to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

I look around me
And feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eye
Brings back memories of you to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

I was wrong, I will cry
I will love you till the day I die
You were all, you alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

Human Rights are JUST that..

2010-06-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning, I drove downtown to the SLC PRIDE parade. For those of you that don't know, The PRIDE parade represents a society bringing together members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual and Transgender community, their friends, allies and supporters in celebration of the unique spirit and culture..

I was completely overcome with emotions and felt kind of silly upon reflection.. I'm straight and support Human Rights.. I find it terribly difficult to believe that people do not support these basic rights.. That people are actively voting against one's right to love and marry.. I was overcome trying to imagine being hated so violently by members of society over my choice in a romantic partner.. I've had friends and family members question my choice in men, and at the time it was extremely difficult..

I can't imagine being crazy in love with a man, one that makes me laugh everyday and has a kind, giving heart.. A man of good intentions, a family man, a selfless man, a hard working man.. I can't imagine being in love with a gentle man, a compassionate man, an understanding man.. A man that is strong where I am weak, a man that recognizes my potential and pushes me to it.. I can't imagine loving an intellectual man, a stable man, a well rounded man.. I can't imagine being in love with a fabulous conversationalist, a man that communicates well with his words and actions.. I can't imagine wanting to spend the rest of my life with this man, wanting to promise to him to have and to hold, through sickness and in health till death do us part, and not be able to, because he is a man..

A few days ago a friend's facebook status read:

So, Larry King is getting his 8th divorce, Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time, Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING, yet the idea of same-sex marriage is what is going to destroy the institution of marriage?? REALLY??... Feel free to copy and paste if you agree!!

I don't think it could have been said better.. I do agree and strongly.. I personally don't believe in the institute of marriage for myself.. I've seen far too many marriages based on lies, manipulation, and material things, and have seen them break up over the exact same things, along with infidelity, control issues, and abuse..

Some say they don't understand homosexuality; it's not to be understood, it's to be accepted..

Unaffected..

2010-06-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

I wish I would have studied Psychology or Sociology.. I'm fascinated with the mind and people.. What makes a person behave the way they do? What makes a person abusive?

The other day an argument erupted between two roommates.. One gently brought up the issue, and I thought the other one's head was going to spin off.. It was like a scene from The Exorcist, right there in my kitchen.. In return, the otherwise calm roommate reacted the same way, and then I was yelled at for not taking sides..

For the record: That's not how I communicate.. The roommate that accused us of being unreasonable has since removed her TV from the living room.. I hauled the TV from the basement upstairs and set it up..

For the record: I don't try to affect people.. It's childish.. I don't have issues with people, I don't get caught up in the heat of the moment, and don't remember the last time I cried because I had hurt feelings.. My feelings don't get hurt..

These two women both left the house in tears.. I'm still trying to understand why.. One is breaking the lease to move out.. THAT is the issue, and she brought it on, by signing a lease and not fulfilling it.. Why are there hurt feelings over this?? Why the silent treatment?? I don't care, I just want to understand what makes someone react to something that is so simple..

There is a part of me that understands differing opinions on religion or politics, but I always agree to disagree.. Yelling to the point of tears is um, pointless.. Yes, I think that's the perfect word for it.. But hurt feelings and childish behavior over a legally binding lease only makes me question one's sanity..

I've also experienced similar situations at work.. Come in and do your job, and we won't have issues.. As a boss it's my job to ensure that things are done.. If you don't do your tasks, I'll ride you.. If your response to micromanaging is to turn red, and cry, then do your job.. I don't care about your feelings, and I don't care about your schedule and why you couldn't complete the tasks.. It's your job, do it, and I won't ride you..

Last year in Lake Powell over the Memorial Day weekend, I got tired of looking at the girls sitting and watching myself and the males, load the Excursion with camping gear, including coolers full of melted ice and food.. I finally spoke up and told them "I would appreciate a little help and a little hustle wouldn't hurt either.." Another woman started screaming and exclaimed that she had "broken her back last year!!" My response was, "that didn't stop you from waterskiing and cliff diving all weekend.." She sat down in the sand and cried while I finished loading the car.. Until that weekend I had never set up a tent or built a fire.. By the end of the weekend, I had set up not only mine, but the other girls tents and built our fire every night, digging the fire pit with my flip flop..

I'm a caring person, I just don't care for excuses, or illogical people.. Everyone says that they wish more people were honest and straightforward, but I don't believe it.. I've only met a few that ARE honest and straightforward.. I should have studied Psychology or Sociology.. I almost wish I had a better grasp on why people behave the way they do.. But most times I'm glad that I don't understand..

I kind of like filing irrational thoughts in the illogical drawer and walking away..

Automatic For The People

2010-05-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

I started babysitting when I was 10 years old.. I have always been surrounded by newborns, infants, toddlers and young children.. My Mom did day care from home.. Bottles, pacifiers, and baby gates were just a part of my childhood..

I babysat neighbor kids, my mom's day care kids, including my fourth grade teacher's children.. I baby sat my brother's supervisor's children.. By the time I was in 7th grade, I was babysitting an otherwise latch-key kid, cleaning his house, doing laundry and cooking meals for $80 dollars a week..

One night, when I was 12 years old, I babysat a little boy named Chase.. I was at a house in Sandy, and after I got him in his pajamas and in bed, I realized I didn't know how to turn on the TV.. I recall sitting in a cramped living room, with my neck craned so my right ear could be near a speaker.. I didn't want the music to wake Chase, so I kept it low and I leaned for a couple hours.. I'm not sure why I picked the CD I did, but it's been a favorite for years..

I listened to R.E.M.'s Automatic For The People album the entire night.. Track four is Everybody Hurts.. Obviously, the song was a major hit for them, but at 12, I was captivated.. Nightswimming, Star Me Kitten, Drive, all of the songs, became a soundtrack for my depressing, adolescence.. I was sick, suffering from undiagnosed health problems and lonely..

That was the first CD I ever bought.. I went to Media Play, with my parents on a Friday night, and purchased the CD along with The Diary of Anne Frank, with some of my babysitting money..

I still have the yellow CD, and the gray case it came in.. I listen to it often, and think about how far I've come, and remember each time why I fell in love with R.E.M.'s sound and lyrics when I was 12 years old.. I still read The Diary of Anne Frank every few years.. I didn't cry when I read it at 12.. I don't think my mind could fathom what I was reading.. My reactions have changed drastically in the following years, as has my adoration for R.E.M..

I still own the first CD I ever bought.. I know every song word for word.. R.E.M.'s sound is unmistakable.. The way most people feel about U2, is how I feel about R.E.M.

I was just babysitting one night in 1992, hoping to get $10 bucks for the evening..

Honesty..

2010-05-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I was in a hot tub with Mario Lopez.. He asked me what my first lie was, giggled and leaned in close, and told me those were the things he wanted to get to know about me.. He said he knew it was cheesy, but he wanted to know..

I woke up trying to think back to my first lie.. I remember my biggest lie.. I was 24 years old and had told my parents I was staying at a friend's house.. In reality, I had stayed at my boyfriend's house, and my parents found me out by morning.. Sadly, my boyfriend had a toothache and slept on the floor in the living room, as to not wake me in the night every time he moaned..

I watched my little brother get in trouble for lying, for a good part of my life.. I'm not sure why he was so squirrely, but he always had been.. He was spanked and grounded for every lie he was caught in.. My Dad raised us telling us that "you are only as good as your word.." I believe this wholeheartedly..

I remember making a comment about a girl in high school that was very promiscuous.. I had called her a whore and she found out.. She called my house that night and asked if I had said it.. I answered her with these words: "Of course I did.. You are.."

I don't remember lying.. I wasn't a liar.. I didn't lie about small things or big things.. I just didn't, and I still don't..

I think that's why I get so upset with people that can't just say what they feel, or have some personal accountability for their actions.. I guess I naively assume that people won't get upset with me, because after all, I’m telling the truth..

I am..

2010-05-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

An only daughter.. An only sister.. Aunt Backy..

I believe in God.. I don't believe that any set of people will be saved, and another will not.. I don't believe that there is one true church, I don't even like the term "true church.." I'm a proud Christian.. I support HUMAN rights, and don't believe that one set of people should be allowed to get married, and another not.. I believe in the right to bare arms.. I support stem cell research.. I support our military, I think that veterans should have free life long healthcare.. I don't believe that government bailouts are the answer, Detroit is proof of that.. I believe in working for a living and paying my own way.. I'm pro-life personally, but would abort if advised to by a Doctor.. I think the government should go after huge corporations that hire illegal immigrants, instead of arresting illegal, working immigrants in the night.. I stereotype, if that upsets you, don't fit one.. I have morals.. I have expectations of others and myself.. I'm outspoken, I have convictions.. I shit or get off the pot..

And I won't apologize for any of it..

I don't have anything..

2010-05-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

It seems as though I have been doing this all wrong.. Blogging, that is.. It turns out, blogs are supposed to have a theme.. I follow several; I read what avid skiers have to write, even though I've never tried the sport.. I've never fly fished nor do I understand why some of the flies he ties have sexual names, but I love to look at his magnificent pictures of his newest creations.. I couldn't take a decent picture, even with the most expensive camera and elaborate settings, but I look at a friend's website weekly.. Her wedding shots, maternity shots, nature shots, and pictures of children leave me speechless.. Certain blogs are about children, the authors, their mothers and dear friends, I read regularly even though I don't want children..

I'm surrounded by people with talent.. Outstanding Mother's, Photographers, fly fishermen, Skiers.. I have friends that will probably be eternal students, getting one degree only to start all over and get another one.. I have a few friends that work for the Senate, I'll never understand the political jokes, about the politicians I've never heard of, and yet I find myself listening and reading intently..

I'm beginning to wonder why I have a blog.. I don't have any topic to "tag.." Nothing that would be of interest to any particular set of people.. I don't have any topic to write about.. Because I don't have any particular gift.. I don't excel at any hobby..

I have friends that have the patience and gift it takes to be teacher's.. I have friends with artistic eyes, with the ability to capture images on camera for a memory that will last forever.. I have other friends with the same artistic eye, that are paid to decorate living spaces and work spaces.. I have friends that have the understanding and empathy to be nurse's.. A lot of my friends are Mother's and I can't articulate what it takes to do that job.. I have brothers that sing, brothers that protect, brothers that are loyal, my brothers are good husbands and fantastic fathers, not to mention hilarious.. My Dad is a fabulous conversationalist and the wisest person I know..

Everyone around me has something they are good at.. Everyone around me has SEVERAL things they are good at..

I don't have anything that I do well.. I certainly don’t have anything that I do well enough to blog about..

I'm going to cry..

2010-05-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

At a wedding this weekend.. My brother's wedding.. My only brother that I thought would never get married, is going to "tie the knot," he's going to "get hitched.."

I was 11 years old when I went to my first wedding.. I was certain at the time, that the wedding had nothing to do with love or companionship.. I was certain it was about me.. This was my opportunity to wear a new dress and look pretty for an afternoon.. It was my oldest brother's friend.. They were married at The Old Meeting House, August 6th, many years ago, and that's when I fell in love with weddings..

I never dreamed of getting married or a man, or children.. But, I did think weddings were beautiful.. I'm not sure why I cried when I was 11 years old as Tony and Dani exchanged vows, but I did..

Two years later, another one of my brother's friend’s was married.. I don't remember the exact date, but that I went with my Mom and Dad.. I was in 8th grade and like the first time, I remember every detail of the pretty dress I wore.. This time I was a little taller, I was thin, and filling out the dress in areas that I had dreamed about for many years, as a young girl.. I looked pretty, and at the time, weddings were about me, looking pretty..I didn't cry at this one, as I only attended the reception, and I fit right in, with the other pretty girls wearing pretty dresses..

By the time I was starting my junior year in high school my oldest brother was getting married.. This was the first time I was in a line.. I wore a pretty dress and was literally on display.. I don't remember who I walked down the aisle with, but I do remember that I had wanted to get my hair cut and highlighted before my, uh, I mean, her big day.. My stylist also happened to be the bride, and she didn't have time before the wedding, with all of the planning, so I made an executive decision to cut my own hair the day before the wedding..

Not my best idea, but I sobbed at my brother's wedding and it had nothing to do with my haircut.. I'm not sure why, but I was completely overcome with emotions.. I think I was so happy to have a sister-in-law, and new friend..

Years later, I was asked to be Maid of Honor, and boy was it.. I stood up for a friend, one that is no longer close in distance, but one that I am closer with now, more than ever.. I tried not to sob, as to not mess up my make-up.. This wasn't MY day, but sometimes I think, I have never looked better than that day.. I was rail thin, bronzed and so happy for my friends..

Two summers ago, I attended a wedding in Roy, and did sob.. It was borderline embarrassing.. I had known this friend for years, she had been through so much.. I had awaited the news of an engagement for quite some time, it was all dependent on when her future husband would come back from Iraq.. Last week, they gave birth to their first born daughter..

This Saturday will be my first wedding in two years, the last of my brothers.. My little brother was married in a courthouse with 4 witnesses and a judge.. We didn’t find out they had been married until about two years later..

In addition to being a brother, a son, an Uncle, a nephew, a friend and a soldier, Ryan, will become a husband and a father, officially on May 8th..

I'm excited to have another, and last sister-in-law.. I'm excited to have two more nieces, and two new nephews.. It was fun to buy a dress and shoes, but I know that weddings are so much bigger than what I had originally thought when I was 11 years old..

I'm excited to attend one more wedding, and am looking forward to the tears of joy..

The way it used to be..

2010-04-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I woke up and started cleaning.. The living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the hallway.. I start with one room and do not move to the next, until it's done, top to bottom.. I made a deal with my roommate, Trina.. She said, "you clean inside and I'll weed.." Apparently she likes yard work, she says it's therapeutic.. I feel radically different about the topic.. She weeded for a while, I could see her sitting on the curbing, pulling weeds, listening to her iPod.. I cleaned the house in silence, I would have cranked up my stereo to hear it throughout the house, but didn't want my music to seep out the windows and disrupt her.. Besides, I don't mind cleaning in silence.. I think it's therapeutic..

That same day, I mowed the lawn for the first time.. I mowed in silence except for the grind of the lawnmower.. I workout in silence, to the sound of my heart beating, and my rhythmic breathing..

Trina zones out with her iPod.. I, STILL, don't even own one.. I love music, and silence, equally.. But most don't.. The other day, my employee asked to leave work early because he forgot his iPod.. He didn't know how to make it through the day without it..

I have friends who leave the gym when their iPod dies.. They literally CAN'T do tasks without it.. I find it humorous and sad at the same time..

I bought a laptop last month.. I've never needed one.. I haven't taken a single picture since last year.. I got my second cell phone when I was 26 after a 5 year hiatus.. I'm not tech savvy, but most importantly I don't need such things to function..

A few days ago, our power went out.. I watched people unravel!! I went to dinner, and did some shopping and went to the Laundromat, things I had planned on doing anyway.. But we decided we would rather go see a movie than wait out our power situation.. We drove to the dollar theatres but were an hour late, or early, for all of the movies.. It made me think back to a time when you had to look at a newspaper or call on the phone, for show times..

Sometimes, I think about the way it used to be.. I'm probably too young to say such things.. I guess I'm old fashioned, a bit of a simpleton.. The thought of getting a Blackberry or a phone with apps, and GPS make me laugh.. It makes me sad for the people that go to dinner and miss out on what's really going on, or could meet someone really cool, if they had left their phone in their pocket instead of pulling it out when someone walks away from them at a party..

I think it's rude, I think it shows insecurities.. I understand that some things need to be taken care of, I really do.. It just makes me think back to what people used to do when things needed to be taken care of and they didn't have it all at their fingertips.. It wasn't the end of the world.. Sometimes I think technology might be the end of the world..

Lease is up August 1st..

2010-04-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

I think it's fair to say that things have been upsetting me lately more than they should.. I can't close my mouth.. I have extreme pain in my jaw when I attempt chewing.. It's TMD, not to be confused with TMJ, and it's caused by stress.. I have a dislocated disk in my jaw and it's from clenching and grinding in my sleep.. I've also had a few oral surgeries recently and that may have also flared it..

I'm just going to say it.. I'm the cleanest roommate.. I'm the most organized, and when I say I'll do it, I do.. Even when I say 4 times in one week that I don't mow lawns, I ended up doing that, as well..

One roommate said she would do it, and I know she would have, she just ran out of time on Sunday, and I just decided to do it, more to prove it to myself that I could, and I wanted to see how bad mowing a lawn is, compared to how awful I imagined it would be in my mind..

I have great roommates, I know it could be worse, but yes, things bother me and I would never delude myself into thinking that I do not bother them.. However, I truly do believe they like coming home to a clean and organized house, a mowed lawn, mail on the counter, and garbage dumpsters taken out to the road, without them having to lift a finger..

Like I said, one roommate (a friend, first and foremost) always helps, we have tremendous team-work skills together, and I can't tell you how awesome that is..

But I've decide that there isn't anything I can do about the girls that would rather go to the gym for two hours a day or spend 5-6 hours a night with their boyfriends.. I can't make them mow the lawn, I can't make them clean the kitchen, or mop a floor.. I am the type that takes mental notes, and the list is long, but I've got to let it go..

Being upset with them is only affecting me.. And my jaw.. So, I'll scour the bathroom.. I'll organize the kitchen and wipe up messes that should have been wiped up when they made brownies.. I'll do it, and not bitch, and not get upset that they don't, because really, they are the smart ones.. I'm the dumb one, cleaning a house for free, without so much as a thank you, and they reap the benefits..

I'm annoyed easily..

2010-04-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Or am I?? I have no tolerance for blatant selfishness.. For people who do not consider others, FIRST.. Walking into a dark, locked house at midnight, on a weeknight, makes me think that there is a good chance that people in the house are sleeping, and that I should be quiet upon entry.. That turning on every light in the house is unnecessary.. I've walked up to my door, late at night, with friends or on the phone.. I've asked my friends to keep quiet, or have stopped my phone conversation until I have reached my bedroom, as to not wake the entire house..

I don't spend hours on end, in a shared bathroom.. When I wake up late, I would never push the other person out, to adjust to my schedule.. It was my mistake.. So, why am I putting on make-up in my car, or at my desk when I get to work?? Why am I brushing my teeth in the kitchen sink when my roommate wakes up late??

At dinner, I excuse myself to use the facilities and I come back to someone sitting in my seat.. No apologies, he looks at me and passes me my Diet Coke.. I was the first person to arrive and I thought I could choose where I wanted to sit, but apparently I forgot my special glasses that allow me to see the invisible chair nametags..

The other day I was in my car with about 4 cars stopped in front of me.. We were in a right hand turn lane, and no stop was required.. I honked and was promptly told by my passenger, that the car in front of me "can't do anything about it.." My response was "there are 4 cars waiting here, and I'm the only one that thinks to honk?? Cars have horns for reasons, and one of them is to alert the dipshit in front of you, to alert the dipshit in front of him, to alert the dipshit in front of him, that the guy at the front of the line, IS A DIPSHIT, and didn't need to stop.."

I'm amazed that simple tasks get done with this "live and let live" attitude.. I'm a take-charge type girl, a figure-it-out type girl, a take-it-apart and put-it-back-together type girl, a let's-stick-to-the-schedule type girl.. A the-world-doesn't-revolve-around-you type of girl.. But, outwardly I'm pleasant, easy going, and generally unaffected.. When I do get upset, friends laugh at my stories.. Maybe I really need to get upset, let people know that they really are inconsiderate, and that I'm sure I'm not the only person that thinks so..

Is there a pill I can take that will make me less annoyed by people that document daily how horrible their life is via Facebook status update, or some kind of injection that will make listening to a roommate blow-dry her hair for 45 minutes, with the door open, every morning, a little more pleasurable?? I'm annoyed by most people, and figure that if you aren't, you are probably an oblivious offender..

Tiger hasn't done anything to me..

2010-04-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

Personally.. But, I am thrilled that he didn't get another green jacket.. I have a hard time separating people from their actions.. You show me a man that cheats on his wife, and I’ll show you a man that cheats on his taxes.. And yes, I DO care what the president of this country did in the Oval Office..

I think Elin should leave Tiger.. Period.. I've never thought Tiger Woods an attractive man, and I've never thought money was any more attractive.. Elin staying, speaks volumes.. A little self respect Elin, please..

People that knowingly hurt people, are about the lowest forms of human beings I can think of.. Laws are written in hopes of protecting people from being hurt, or at least for holding the people who hurt accountable.. Rapists, murderers, child abusers, pedophiles will be punished if caught..

And there are "Tiger's" everywhere.. Men and women, knowingly destroying lives, upending families, leading children by example..

If Tiger HIT Elin, and she stayed, we would think less of her.. Tiger cheated on Elin, REPEATEDLY, and we sit back and think well, she really loved him, it's not about money to her..

I'm judging you Elin.. I've never been in your shoes, nor have you in mine.. But, I welcome your judgments.. Tiger, you deserve to hurt the way you have hurt your wife and your children.. You deserve more than a little humiliation-- that you brought on yourself.. You deserve to be alone, you deserve to come home at the end of the day, without a green jacket, to an empty, loveless home.. Yes, I wish that for you.. Call it unchristian, call it what you like..

You are only as good as your word, and if your word is crap.. Then..

Ear buds..

2010-04-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

I think the world needs more ear buds.. I think I need to try to talk to more people in a day and realize that I have to start my conversation over, because they couldn't hear me over their music.. I love when they look at me blankly and take their ear buds out.. It's not a big deal, I just needed to talk to you about Infectious Materials and Hazardous Waste..

Most people I know where ear buds so people won't talk to them.. I get it, especially at the gym, or on Trax and other modes of public transportation, but at work, I find it terribly annoying when I try to communicate with people I'm working for, or the people that work for me, and hear them say, "I'm sorry, what??" EVERY time I speak to them, as they pull their ear buds out..

I think humans have communication mastered, so why not have ear buds in all the time?? I think we have communication down so well, that we should try to make it more difficult just for fun.. Ya know, to change things up..

Take your damn ear buds out when communication is necessary.. Like group projects at work.. Please for the love, take them out.. It would be greatly appreciated..

Love ya..

2010-04-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

No you don't.. And I don't love ya, either.. I love you.. I love my Ellie, I love my dad.. I love Holly.. I love Brady.. I love my family, my best friends, my pets.. I would never insult them with an oxymoron such as this.. How does one use such a powerful word as love, and follow it up with something as casual as "ya??"

If someone says, "I love you, I can't live without you, I can't imagine my life without you in it," would you seriously respond with, "I love ya too??"

"I love ya, I can't live without ya, my life would be miserable without ya", sounds like lyrics to a bad country song, not an expression of the powerful feelings you have for someone..

Don't sign off an e-mail or a text with love ya.. Because ya don't..

Prozac..

2010-03-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I need medication, and not just because I'm a woman living in Utah..

The other day I was discussing my "problem" with a friend when she told me that was diagnosed with a social phobia, not to be confused with being anti-social..

I don't have a social phobia, and am definitely not anti-social.. I'm just angry.. All of the time.. With most people and their stupidity.. I explained that at a movie on Friday evening, I politely asked a woman in the movie theatre "to skip the narration.." When she declined by still talking to her boyfriend through more than half the movie, I moved to the other end of the row, and down one..

Only to have another talkative couple behind us.. This woman exclaimed, "oh no!!" and "oh my gosh!!" and things of that nature in her normal conversation voice.. I exclaimed, "Shut up!! Really, it's time for you to be quiet now.." in my normal speaking voice..

This changed nothing..

The other day I was at a gas station, trying to pull over to the vacuum when a girl pulls up beside me in her Chrysler Sebring, slams on the brakes and looks over at me.. I roll down my window and tell her to "pull forward so I can squeeze past.."

She looks at me and says, "you need to back up, I'm going to hit this mail truck.." I looked at her and said, "you have AT LEAST 3 feet before you hit anything!!" Her response was, "I'm not going anywhere.." I politely said, "if you want to be a bitch to prove a point, go right ahead.."

I backed up so she had about ten feet to maneuver her midsize sedan past my compact car and small mail truck.. I then pulled forward and vacuumed out my car, shaking..

I think I have some sort of disorder.. Am I mentally ill?? Do I need a vice?? Should I start drinking, or doing drugs, to calm myself?? Should I see my Doctor?? Do I need Prozac?? Something to chill me out?? Something that would suddenly make me unable to maneuver my vehicle, or talk throughout and entire movie, to help me better understand people and their unblinking ability to be inconsiderate??

Do I have a social phobia, or just low tolerance for stupidity?? I'm getting to the point where I am recognizing that the common denominator is ME and I'm a little worried..

The MOST selfish thing..

2010-03-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

Yay, Healthcare.. What we had was not working.. Time for change..

However, for ten years I have worked for crackers.. All because I needed amazing healthcare.. University of Utah has the 5th best benefit plan in the nation.. My co pays are small, my coverage is amazing.. In the ten years I've been here, I've paid out of pocket for one procedure.. I've had oral surgeries done for free, because the University compensated us with free dental coverage when they couldn't give raises..

I would be bankrupt ten times over to treat Diabetes, and Hoshimoto's Disease and the complications that come with it, without my benefits.. Not healthcare, the benefit plan I chose ten years ago..

That said, I have no problem paying more taxes to ensure that others get healthcare, BUT if my plan changes in a negative way, I will blow a gasket..

I did what it took.. I found a job that offered what I needed in terms of healthcare, the cost was high; I didn't have "fun" money, making ends meet was impossible at times.. I lived at home until just recently.. I haven't been to Mexico with my friends, vacations were literally out of the question.. I worked 2 jobs for almost 8 out of the ten years.. Sometimes, 15 hours a day, 6 days a week..

But that's what had to be done, so pardon me if I'm being a little selfish, concerning MY healthcare.. I know too many stay at home mother's, too many unemployed people, hanging out trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives, that bitch constantly about their lack of, or crappy healthcare..

At some point, we need to recognize that we need to do what is best for us, and not wait around for things to come along and magically become better.. To take initiative and look for jobs, that offer healthcare.. You may not be able to go to Cancun this year for Spring break, but for me, never being without insulin, and seeing my specialist, will always be better than any trip to anywhere in the world..

Separating your boyfriend from the things that were meant for you..

2010-03-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

I did a few girl things today.. I went to a beauty school with a girlfriend and got waxed.. We went to lunch after and discussed girl things.. Then, we went to the mall for girl clothes.. We spent a lot of time roaming Forever 21 and Victoria's Secret.. We came back to my house and visited with two of my roommates, one was cooking, the other getting ready for a date.. Two very female activities.. We discussed what was planned for the evening and promised to call or text later to solidify our plans..

I love being a girl, I love doing girl stuff.. Whether it's curling my hair or window shopping.. I love that my friends have boyfriends; that they are happy, have found a best friend, someone to share things with.. Finding one person they want to tell how their day went, connecting to one person, differently than they connect with their female best friend or sister.. I think it's fabulous.. However..

Having a boyfriend does not mean subjecting him to girl stuff.. Going to the mall is meant for you and your girlfriends.. Seeing the latest chick flick is also meant for you and your girlfriends.. A girl lunch means your boyfriend is not invited.. Let me tell you something, and I find it quite annoying that I have to state this, and even more annoying that when I do the infamous boyfriend dragger always agrees with me, but just doesn't quite get that she IS THAT GIRL, but your boyfriend does NOT want to do these things with you.. You may think he doesn't mind, but chances are he doesn't, but does because he loves YOU, he doesn't love the mall, or the latest Nicholas Sparks movie.. He doesn't want to go on a double date with you and your best friend and her latest guy.. He may tolerate doubling with you and your best friend, under the premise that the latest guy is one of his buddies.. This scenario NEVER works out in the long run, but he's on his buddy's side hoping that a "lil' sumpthin' sumpthin'" works out that night..

He would rather spend his Saturday fishing, golfing, watching football or basketball; having a beer, taking the dog to a dog park, washing his car, or going to the gym.. Any sane guy would rather clean out the refrigerator than go to the mall with you, and wait two hours for you to shoe shop.. If he would honestly rather go to the mall with you, visit with your Mother, or play Halo, then you need to break up with him, and find a man's man..

One that understands that he likes to do Guy things without you.. One that doesn't want to take you fishing, or golfing, because he knows that's what his friends are for..

I want an interesting blog to read..

2010-03-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

Not some drivel about a woman in Pennsylvania writing about her joint pain.. Or a Sandy Mom, writing daily about cleaning the house, and how cute she thinks her kids are.. Sadly, I don't understand blogs about fly fishing and fly tying.. I'm annoyed when people write about the obvious, thinking it's profound.. Women writing about their strength, only comes across as feminist thinking to me, and males writing about man stuff, makes me think of chauvinists..

There is NOTHING wrong with joint pain, cute kids or strong opinions regarding males or females.. I just prefer to read something I can relate to.. Maybe a quick little snip it from your life when you were a kid.. Something that evokes emotion..

I'm a huge fan of memoirs.. I recently read a book called A Girl Named Zippy.. Each chapter was just an instance in her life, most were funny even when they ended with a death of a crazy neighbor or a pet.. I've been trying to write a bit about experiences, things that people can relate to, or agree with, something engaging..

Please I need some suggestions for something engaging!!

I don't feel 30..

2010-03-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

And I don't want to look it.. But I don't want to be pale either.. Maybe if I were china doll white, a perfect palette for makeup or had olive skin I would be happy, but my skin is a touch to "peachy" for my liking.. I'm not what I would consider vain.. However, I don't think anyone considers themselves vain.. The way we perceive ourselves and the way we think others perceive us are usually drastically different then the way we really are, and radically different than what others think about us..

My sister-in-law colors my hair, I'm not a natural blond.. I wax my eyebrows at home, and paint my own toenails.. I wouldn't say I do any of these things for other people, that would just be pathetic and vain.. But if I say I do them for myself does that make me JUST vain?? Possibly.. So, I guess I'm vain on some pretty basic levels.. All my body parts are stock, no aftermarket accessories here, no fake nails, colored contacts, breast implants, no eyelash extensions, no lip plumper; I've never spent hours at the gym concerned about a six pack..

The six pack won't last forever, the breast implants with time, would need to be lifted, the maintenance and upkeep boggles my mind.. I get annoyed when my hair grows out..

Don't get me wrong, I've worn fake eyelashes from time to time.. I had an alternate pair of colored contacts just for fun, in high school.. I've had fake acrylic nails, I did them myself for practice.. I used to tan.. A lot.. I went for the first time when I was 17 years old with my Mom..

I backed off at age 19, and have only gone a few times a year since then, mainly for occasions such as weddings and such..

I hadn't been in YEARS, and was craving warmth and light so badly, I caved and went yesterday..

As I parked my car and walked to the front door, two obvious best friends came out together.. When I was in high school, girls like these were jokingly called twinners.. Same fake blond hair, same orange tan, same variation of a slutty outfit.. I left for work yesterday and it was cold, I put on a hoodie, skinny jeans and some over the jeans, suede, flat boots.. The twinners rapidly approaching were wearing matching Victoria's Secret pajama shorts, tank tops, and flip flops.. Tan, toned legs were about all I saw, and as I raised my eyes to meet theirs, I realized the tweens were disgusted by the old, fat, pale lady (myself) and would have spit in my face if they weren't the girls that would just rather point, name-call, and giggle..

I went in, and waited for the receptionist, and thought about these girls, and thought, at least I love myself, my pale and soft body, and mature mind, my need to be an independent thinker, even at 18 I didn't dress like my best friends..

As I waited in line, a guy came in behind me.. This class act, was wearing basketball shorts that were dragging on the ground, a wife beater tank and had more blond highlights that I did.. He had some trendy sunglasses on and I resisted the urge to ask how much he spent on them..

I was shown to my room, and while I basked in the warmth and light for 12 minutes, I thought back to the twinners and the guy probably named Brad, at the reception desk, and made a decision that if those were the type of people that were laying in these same tanning beds, that I would never do it again..

I'll miss the warmth and light, but I will be patient and wait for the sun and it's radiant warmth, slather on SPF and spray my tan on in the privacy of my bathroom from now on..

Parking Lots..

2010-03-09T11:48:00.001-08:00

My life is perfect, sure a few things could be a bit better, but I know that EVERY aspect of my life could be worse than I could ever conceive.. I say I know how fortunate I am, but I think for one to truly know how amazing things are, they have to know how truly horrible it is when things were not amazing.. So, I say I know how fortunate I am, not truly knowing how scary life could really be for me..

I've never gone to bed hungry, or have been forced to sleep outside in the elements, or never been without love..

However, if I could eliminate parking lots from my life, those few little things that could be better, would no longer be on my list of things to improve.. I would have no gripes at all.. I have no idea what happens to a person in a parking lot, but it seems as if brains seep out of ears..

I was making a left hand turn into a parking lot.. I waited patiently as the yellow Volvo creeped into the parking lot.. I followed, and had to slam on my brakes barely in the parking lot, still halfway in a lane of traffic as Old Man Winters let his very obese wife out at the door..

I swung around him and entered the first lane of parked cars.. The lot was more than full, and I rarely concern myself with close parking spots.. As I try to make my way down the lane, I have to wait for a Toyota Sequoia to back out of a parking stall.. This dumb broad, backed straight out, making no attempt to turn her wheels.. She had to pull back in to the stall and retry.. I'm pretty sure it wasn't this Mommy of four's first time behind the wheel..

I finally make it to a parking stall, unfasten my seat belt, grab my purse, turn the car off, get out, lock my doors, and start my trek to the store.. I look up and see Miss Sequoia STILL trying to back her mid size SUV out of the stall..

I look at her, throw my arms up, roll my eyes and zoom pass her.. I know she couldn't hit me if she tried, this woman can't back her vehicle out of a parking stall..

I go in and find the items I'm looking for.. I'm sure I'm getting dirty looks from the patron's, I'm that crazy girl from the parking lot.. The one in a hurry..

I leave the store get in my car, back my car out in under 3 seconds.. I drive back down the lane of parked cars and I'm slowed to a stop because of two wide walkers.. You know the ones.. The guy and girl that think they are important enough to stop traffic while they walk to the store..

The guy looked miserable and his blonde helmet head, heel wearing, bimbo for a girlfriend clomped down the parking lot.. Her 5 inch heels must have been a size too small and he must have been trying to walk far away from her because she doused herself in Ed Hardy perfume before leaving the house..

I drive up really close to her, roll my eyes and throw up my hands.. She flips me off.. How dare I act like I have somewhere to be in a parking lot?? Now I know, schedules don't exist in the confines of a parking lot..

I offend people..

2010-03-08T10:24:00.001-08:00

But, it doesn't matter to me, because I'm right.. I don't stick my foot in my mouth too often.. I recall talking to a guy on a camping trip, about the campsite whore and it turned out to be his sister.. Another time, I was joking about getting a really classy tattoo of Tinkerbell on my shoulder blade, when my dear friend not only told me his mother has one, but sent me a picture of her tattooed shoulder..

I'm assuming I offend people through my writing.. I haven't had any complaints, but I'm sure I have.. I'm far from perfect, but most of the time I am right.. And being right pisses people off..

Facebook is a social networking sight.. It is not a website to announce to EVERYONE on said social networking sight that you are getting married and need addresses.. IT'S TACKY..

I'm not getting married.. I will not go into why not, as it isn't because of the typical reasons.. I imagine my life spent with people I love, maybe even ONE person romantically.. I think I could be the Oprah to my Steadman, or the Goldie Hawn to my Kurt Russell.. However, if, if, IF I were to get married, I would invite ONLY the people I care about, the same people that I KNOW care about me and my union..

I would call friends for their addresses.. E-mail old friends that have moved, and check to see if my parents had addresses of family friends..

I will not join a group or attend an event of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are getting married and want lots of gifts, er, uh, and need your addresses!!

It's TACKY.. Caps Lock, TACKY..

Happy Days..

2010-03-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

I've had more happy days than I have had sad.. More happy days than I have had mad.. More happy days than I have had meh..

The happiest days of my life are frequent and I cannot list them all.. My happiest days include the obvious-- my family, friends, food, and the not so obvious, health care, medication, make-up, shelter, my bed..

Each time my brother returned home safely from Afghanistan, tops my list of happiest days.. Any day with my nieces.. Most Fridays, and Saturdays.. Sundays are right up there, too.. Paydays, finishing anything, you get the picture..

Sometimes we experience the saddest days, a loss, without ever recalling the happiest one, the gain of what you just lost.. My best friends moved away, and at the goodbye dinner, I choked back tears the entire time.. The final goodbye was the kind of sobbing that makes you hyperventilate.. I don't remember the exact day I realized how great they were.. It was gradual, and after 8 years of everyday joy, the devastation caught me by surprise..

I recently experienced another happiest day of my life.. I was approved for, and received a new insulin pump..

For almost a decade, I was under the impression that I had kidney damage.. I was actually on medication to reverse and prevent further damage to my eyes and kidneys.. At a recent Doctor's visit, I was tested for it.. A few days passed and I never received the call that I have it..

Something about that call NOT coming, made me want to prevent it FROM coming in.. Something about that visit, SOMETHING hit home.. Ive finally, after 14 years, begun to ACCEPT the fact that I am Diabetic, and that I need to treat it to the best of my ability.. By the time most have kidney and eye damage, it's far too late to change anything.. I don't want to have regrets or think "what if?? down the road..

Insurance approved my pump.. Why wouldn't they?? $6,500 is a lot of money.. But I had to wait for my Doctor to write a prescription for it.. These three days were nerve wracking.. He held my life and treatment in his hands.. The last I had spoken with him, he was trying to convince me of the perks of injections.. You should know, there are none.. He told me that the "insurance panel" may not approve me for a pump based on my blood tests.. I really thought I could "fail" a blood test and punishment would be injections..

When I received the e-mail that the pump would be shipped in two days, I bounced up and down in my office chair, in front of my work computer.. The approval was one of the happiest days of my life..

After days of worry, and doubt, it was wiped away with a 2 line e-mail.. I'm so thankful for my stellar health care, for my Doctor, for Medtronic, FOR MY JOB, and so many other things.. Even on the sad days, I try to think of how blessed I am for the JOY that was lost..

Twigs and Bark..

2010-03-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a strict household, on all levels.. I'm thankful for it now, but at the time, I was certain my parents wanted me to be as miserable as possible.. We didn't eat many sweets.. Halloween was the most incredible holiday.. Candy!! Candy!! Candy on the mind!! My parents didn't allow sweets or even gum, for that matter.. I'm from Michigan and grew up on a Midwestern diet.. Meat, potatoes, and vegetables.. And you bet we sat at the table until our plates were clean.. I recall two of my brothers actually throwing up at the table.. I'm chuckling now, thinking about it..

My little brother put all the food in his mouth, and "cleared his plate.." He went outside, dug a hole with his hands, and spit canned corn into the hole, as the rest of my family watched from the windows in amazement.. My little brother has always been a little defiant..

We tease my Mom now, about the crappy cereal she bought and we ate.. We called it twigs and bark.. Kix, Cheerios, and Rice Chex stocked our cupboards.. Sleepovers at friend's houses were so exciting for me.. Staying up all night watching movies, sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags, in a TV room with my best friend, was not the highlight.. I literally got butterflies thinking about what kind of sugary cereals we would eat in the morning, what my friends got to eat everyday..

The thing is, I owe my Mom an apology and will never join my brothers in teasing her about the "twigs and bark" we ate, because last night I ate Kashi, Go Lean Crunch, cereal..

It wasn't bad enough for me to NOT eat.. I'll eat just about anything, and I'm not really sure why.. But, it literally didn't taste like anything.. It was crunchy, but that's all I recall.. It didn't flavor my milk the way Cocoa Puffs or Fruit Loops do.. It was just blah.. It was just twigs and bark..

I bought the cereal as a healthier choice than Cap'N Crunch.. Turns out Kashi is ridiculously high in carbohydrates.. I should have just had two bowls of Honey Smacks.. Sure it doesn't have the fiber or protein, but isn't that what fiber pills and steak are for??

I'm eating healthier.. I'm doing an hour of cardio everyday, to stave off heart disease, and high cholesterol.. I'm working out to keep my blood sugar in non diabetic range, to sleep better, to feel better.. So far, so good.. I can't wait to see my Doctor in three months.. But I'm not sure if I can keep eating this Kashi, twigs and bark, crap..

It's about everyone..

2010-02-26T12:29:00.000-08:00

I was at the gym today, and noticed a woman on the exercise bike.. Next to her was another bike that she placed her water bottle on.. Not in the cup holder, ON the seat of the bike.. I would have liked to use the bike, but instead I used the elliptical machine.. After 15 minutes, she was still slowly pedalling, reading her book, her water bottle still occupying the other bike..

I thoroughly hate the elliptical, and I blame laziness.. I am not lazy, the body I've been given, is.. I walked over and asked if I could use the bike.. "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry" she says.. What happened to common courtesy or thinking of others before you think of yourself??

I pedalled for 30 minutes next to her, fuming.. I'm sure she is a sweet woman, and is not out to get me, via water bottle on bike seat.. For 30 minutes, I pondered how many times this week I had noticed selfishness; she obviously didn't care that there were others that wanted to use that bike, or that she could have easily placed her water bottle on the floor, without inconveniencing anybody.. I, now, sound selfish that she was in MY way..

It's not about HER.. It's not about ME.. It's about everyone.. Walking in the hall the other morning on the way to work, my shoulder was skimming the wall as a group of six, chose to walk widely down the hall.. I was raised to move over for others, and SHARE the space.. It's not about THEM.. It's not about ME.. It's about everyone..

I was raised to effect others as little as possible, to share KINDLY, whether it was my bedroom when I was little, a bathroom as I got older, a work space as a young adult.. A living space, now..

Common areas should be cleaned by everyone sharing the space, not the one that can't stand to live or work, or workout in filth any longer.. A woman I know explained that she doesn't clean the house because she only uses a fork, for her prepackaged dinners.. That didn't explain, why a floor shouldn't get mopped, garbage taken out, or mail brought in.. It's not about HER.. It's not about ME.. It's about everyone..

I'm enraged when I see a patient ask someone for assistance in finding a doctor's office, or clinic and the person asked, tries to explain.. I'm not sure what is so important that you can't take two minutes out of your life and walk a cancer patient to an elevator, or up one floor to an infusion clinic.. It's not just about cancer patients, imagine what the world would be like, if everyone wasn't so concerned about themselves and their schedules and instead showed someone the way, or listened, or cared, or dared to put some one's plans or needs ahead of theirs for a few minutes a day..

I guess I'm old fashioned, the way I clean up an area I know another will use after me, or how I wave at the car that lets me merge on the freeway.. I was raised to say please and thank you, and most importantly sorry and take responsibility when I am wrong, or to not count my pennies at the cash register, all the while people lining up behind me.. It's not about THEM.. It's not about ME.. It's about everyone..

At the Last Minute..

2010-02-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

I decided to give up fast food, and alcohol for Lent.. I was also going to tack on not eating out, but knew I would I fail at that, but hoped that setting it as a goal would make me eat out less.. I don't know what I was thinking.. I'm not even Catholic and for some reason I make a list of things I'd like to give up, like some overachiever.. So.. I've been out to eat, and as of last night, I'm only giving up fast food.. I tried to give up alcohol, but I kind of have a love affair with wine.. And beer.. So, maybe I could change my sacrifices to fast food and hard liquor?? Until Friday??

I'm feeling like such a failure.. Even if I do stick with my fast food sacrifice, all I will think about are the other things I tried to give up but couldn't..

Last year, I gave up cookies and alcohol easily.. If I fail this year at fast food and hard liquor, you should ask me what I gave up, and I'll tell you cookies..

Thought I'd share..

2010-02-16T13:04:00.000-08:00

I've wanted to keep my blog just words.. My words, my thoughts, my realizations.. But I just posted two videos.. I really fought it, not wanting to clog up my blog with songs, videos, and pictures of other people's stuff.. It's MY blog, and it's called KNOW THYSELF, so I wanted to keep it just that.. Here's the thing, good music is something you can relate to, and music is one of the biggest parts of my life, right up there with loved ones..

Before, I've just posted lyrics, leaving it up to the reader to decide whether or not it was worth giving a listen.. But these two are the type of songs that I hear playing on the radio and say aloud, "Oh,I LOVE this song" crank it up and sing at the top of my lungs..

Just thought I'd share..

You and Me..

2010-02-16T13:00:00.001-08:00

Just Breathe..

2010-02-16T12:59:00.001-08:00

The Dreaded Doctor's Office..

2010-02-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

I went to the Doctor today, and saw the physician's assistant.. She's 29 years old, and diabetic as well.. She wears her insulin pump proudly on her hip.. Her narrow hips.. She's fit, cute and outgoing..

I'm not on the exam table, I have an aversion to them.. You can't deny being sick sitting on the end of one, having your blood pressure taken, a cold stethoscope climbing up your back, checking your lungs.. Or a cold hand squeezing your neck checking your thyroid.. Sharing intimate details.. "I've suffered 9 hypoglycemic reactions in the past two days, the only thing different is that I've started my period.. Is that normal??" I say.. Latex gloves snap on wrists, I'm being swiped with alcohol pads and the needles come out.. THAT'S what goes on when I sit on an exam table..

She and I talk candidly, strictly doctor/patient relationship.. We have age and a disease in common.. I tell her the medications I'm on, and the nurse comes in.. She has my tests results from the blood she drew about 5 minutes ago.. My Hemoglobin A1c has gone up again.. She says, "what happened??" I wish I could tell her, it's not that I suddenly can't form words, but that I honestly don't know what happened.. I had gone on a diet and lost almost 18 pounds thanks to a little bit of discipline and oral surgery.. I stare at her, and my eyes start to burn.. I know the tears are coming and am more upset with myself about that than anything.. My bottom lip quivers, and as I try to speak, my voice cracks.. Hot tears spill over onto my cheeks.. I finally tell her, my pump is on it's last leg, and I need to go on injections..

She shakes her head at me and says, "if someone took my pump away, I would cry.." Funny now, but when I sat there trying to keep more tears from coming, I just nodded my head in agreement.. This fit, cute, outgoing, 29 year old Diabetic says to me, "injections are not a possibility for you.. No offense, but you won't take them, I know I don't know you, but," she trails off.. Again, I nod my head in agreement.. She tells me that she will do anything in her power to make sure that I stay on a pump and asks me about insurance.. Money is not an issue, I know it will cost about $2000.00 with insurance but that my life and emotional freedom depends on it.. I'm wiping tears and she makes me promise to bolus with every meal, even if it's just 3 crackers on the counter.. She makes me promise to test my blood 3 times a day, so we at least have a starting point.. She walks me out, and I go pick up paperwork for a urine sample.. We're going to find out if I have kidney damage.. I sit down to schedule my follow-up and they tell me she won't be working at the office 3 months from now..

I reschedule, go give a urine sample, get in my car and cry.. It would have been cool to get to know her better, to see her next time with better test results, to see her next time maybe 10 pounds lighter than I am now..

I've bolused twice since seeing her at 10:00 AM.. My blood sugar reading is 237.. I'm going upstairs to the workout room here at work to walk for a bit on the treadmill.. It would have been cool to show her that I could do what she asked, but it would be really cool if I had it in me to do it for me..

Rilly good..

2010-02-09T12:18:00.000-08:00

Things are good.. Rilly good.. I don't have a husband or children to write about.. Today we went to blah, blah, blah and we had so much fun.. I love my husband so much because he blah, blah, blah, and the kids said the cutest thing, blah, blah, blah, when we were at blah, blah, blah..

Things are good, and I've noticed when things are rilly good, I don't write much.. Writing is so therapeutic for me, so that makes sense, right?? If things are good, why would I need some sort of therapy??

I feel bad, that I only write when I can't work out feelings in my head or when I need to bitch.. It's true-occasionally I bitch, but only about stupidity.. Unfortunately most people fall into this category, but other than my occasional bitch session, I'm PERFECT..

But things are good, and I can't write why.. You should just know.. Sometimes I think I should write about what goes on in my little house, in Utah, living with 3 other women.. I know people would read it.. In fact, I think it could become a website like shitmydadsays.com.. Haven't been there?? It's funny if you aren't offended by curse words..

But I think I'll skip it, it would probably only lead to drama, some of us are more private than others.. We have TOO much fun, rilly good food and our fridge is fully stocked with beer and condiments.. Oddly enough, we have very few boy stories, which I think kind of makes us RILLY awesome..

We are professionals through the week and proud weekend warriors.. But things are good.. Rilly good, and I'm excited for things to get even better..

Glitter In The Air.. Pink

2010-02-01T14:36:00.000-08:00

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands??
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it..
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air??
Have you ever looked fear in the face,
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return..
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone??
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone..
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry??
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside??

It's only half past the point of oblivion..
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run..
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames..
Have you ever felt this way??

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la..

There you are, sitting in the garden..
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar..
You called me sugar..

Have you ever wished for an endless night??
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight..
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself,
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight..

Surly Wednesday..

2010-01-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Customer Service Professionals,
Please do not sigh or huff when I inquire about your location, hours of operation, terms of agreement, features of your product.. It is your job to be courteous and helpful.. You are PAID to be please customers to the best of your ability.. You are PAID to be professional..
Regards,
Customer

Dear Married Men,
You are married, just in case you forgot.. You took vows and promised to be faithful, through sickness and in health, for better or worse TO YOUR WIFE.. Please do not ask for my phone number.. It's inappropriate.. Just because I'm single does not mean you have a chance.. I'm not interested in a healthy relationship, let alone, being your mistress..
Thanks,
Single Lady

Dear Escalator Blocker,
Get on/off at the top/bottom.. One foot in front of the other.. It's as easy as walking, so save the panic attack for the self checkout at Harmon's..
Sincerely,
Mall Patron

Dear Doctor's Office,
Please call in prescription for Insulin in a timely manner.. I've given you several days to complete the task and please know that I am aware that are busy, and have a lot to do.. I understand there are more important things, such as heart burn medication, erectile dysfunction medication, and eyelash growth medication.. Throw a girl a bone, I'm getting terribly light headed..
Signed,
Diabetic

14 years ago..

2010-01-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

I had a baby.. I didn't get pregnant, I didn't have sex.. At 16, I hadn't even been kissed.. And yet, I had a baby dropped in my lap and I was forced to take care of it.. My baby was my diagnosis of Diabetes.. This baby doesn't bring me joy, doesn't smile at me and make my heart melt.. This baby doesn't giggle, doesn't make me smile.. My baby doesn't get older, doesn't grow into something even more beautiful than it was on the day it was born.. This baby drains me financially, throws tantrums and keeps me awake at night.. My baby doesn't benefit my life at all.. I didn't want a baby then, and don't want a baby now; not even the ones that smile and melt your heart, the kind of baby that is made from love, I've never been interested in that.. And yet, I have a baby, a different kind of baby, that I must take care of constantly.. I can't get a sitter when I want to go out and have fun.. Girls nights include my baby, date nights include my baby, reading a book, seemingly alone, I'm not.. My baby is always with me.. Sometimes I'm lucky and my baby is reasonably quiet, as if it's content with a pacifier in it's mouth.. And sometimes my baby cries around the clock, and all through the night.. I'm up, trying to please it, to quiet it down.. Sometimes I leave my baby in the crib fussing, trying to sleep through the fit.. My baby has a temper that is easily flared.. Everyday tasks don't always include the baby directly, but my baby insists on making it's presence known.. I can't communicate with my baby.. It's just a baby with needs.. It lacks logic, and has very limited understanding of me and itself.. I resent the baby I had 14 years ago, through no fault of my own..

Every night..

2010-01-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

I drift to sleep with thoughts of dread, anticipation, and questions regarding going off my insulin pump.. Those are the last thoughts of the day and often the first thoughts as I wake and stretch the next morning..

I've been on this particular pump for over 5 years, and am starting to experience complications with the injection sites, painful scar tissue, and supplies.. My pump has crashed into the floor more times than I care to admit, and may or may not have taken a dunk in an open toilet once or twice while undressing in the bathroom.. A rubber gasket has been replaced with a hair elastic and chunks of plastic are being stripped away from where the reservoir is loaded.

I wonder how much longer I will get out of this piece of machinery that I curse everyday.. The machine is a blessing and I have been very fortunate; at times my anger and resentment for Diabetes is directed at the treatment, the tiny machine I'm connected to everyday that sustains my silly existence.

I recall writing about how liberating it was to go back on the pump after a hiatus in 2008.. It felt amazing, and although I don't actually recall the feelings now, I know it was great.. We have a way of forgetting things like that.. Feelings of joy and times of such sorrow we don't think we will make it through.. The sad times, the painful times that I remember but cannot feel, are when I'm grateful for the way we don't remember with our senses, just our mind. However, it's times like these that I wish I could recall just how joyous I felt when I connected to the pump for the first time after a long break.

My pump is out of warranty and I've discussed with my Doctor getting a replacement. With insurance it would cost roughly $2000.00 and that's IF my insurance company approved me for it.. My Doctor used the term insurance panel.. I left his office thinking about a death panel denying me the care that I need as a Diabetic.. Now, I know my thoughts got the better of me, and that there is no panel of people wanting me dead.. I know my doctor would have to recommend me for a new insulin pump.. Based on my blood work for the past 8-10 years, I know I would be denied such great advances in medical care.

My other option is to go back on injections, and each day I try to eek out another day of my pump.. I sweet talk it, I hope, and say silent prayers about it; that it will at least last until I'm out of my very expensive pump supplies.. I don't like injections as they hurt, and need to be on my person at all times. The thought of having a tester and 2 pens on me makes me sick, makes me feel like a Diabetic.. I've gone years without a tester or spare insulin in my purse, but have a feeling that as soon as I accidentally leave a pen at home or a tester on my desk at work, that I will suffer a reaction worse than any other..

My doctor told me that the new long acting insulin doesn't cause weight gain like the others have.. I know he is trying to convince me, and he knows the weight issue might snare me.. He stares at me and I stare back, right through him, from the chair in the exam room.. He hasn't put me on the exam table in years, I'm sure he thinks there is no point.. I like not being put on the table, it helps me deny that I still don't have what the elderly patients in the waiting rooms have.. The ones with walkers, the ones on Oxygen with thick glasses, the overweight ones in wheelchairs, I'm not them.. I don't fight the battle they do and I never will..

It's time for me to refill my insulin prescription.. I just can't decide if I should get vials or pens.. Getting the pens is having the constant reminder with me all the time, the inability to ignore my disease, and the end of ever having an insulin pump again.. I've got some some serious thinking to do, and I will do it right before I drift off into dreams where Diabetes is not part of my life..

I Am Now Accepting Applications..

2010-01-05T18:19:00.000-08:00

For a few boyfriends.. You must be intellectually stimulating, be able to handle sarcasm, and be FUNNY AS HELL.. I hope to never hear the words, "I really care about you.." I would like one of you to entertain me ONLY by email, ONLY when I am at work.. I would like another guy to entertain me ONLY by phone, via text message or phone call on Tuesday and Thursdays, and maybe one of you to be on call for an occasional Saturday or Sunday afternoon movie.. My weekend evenings will not include ANY of you, as I selfishly reserve the right to decide what I'm doing at the very last minute, WITHOUT YOUR INPUT AND/OR PRESENCE.. These communications will include flirting ONLY and exclude touch, everything from affectionate hugs, to high-fiving, to pinky swears.. I'm going to need ALL of you to NOT get upset or jealous of A) each other and B) when I meet the man of my dreams, get swept of my feet, marry him and begin my life fostering 38 needy children..

*Applicants must love cats, dogs, long walks on the beach and pina coladas..

Personal Accountabilty..

2010-01-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

Personal accountability is usually a strong trait of mine.. I would have liked more encouragement from friends about the whole diet thing, but it's not their responsibility.. It's mine.. So, I guess I'm here to have a "come to Jesus talk" with myself.. The week of Christmas, I hadn't lost a pound but tried to remain positive, because I hadn't gained an ounce either.. Woo-hoo go me, right?? Nah..

The Sunday after Christmas, I had my first beer in over a month.. Three beers later, I felt great, I was out catching up with an old friend.. Oh, did I mention that I ordered an entire plate of cheesy bread?? FML..

I fell off the wagon, not the alcohol wagon, the diet wagon.. I fell off and was dragged for about two miles, just to be run over by three more wagons in the wagon caravan.. The following week was filled with a lot of food, unhealthy, processed food.. Cheese Tortellini, boatloads of curry, and chicken wings.. Not that that wasn't bad enough, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't consume shots of rum, vodka, and tequila.. By the time I started drinking Raspberry Smirnoff Ice drinks, I was pronouncing it as Smirn Office.. That's a lot of sugar.. I went to bed with a pitcher of water on my nightstand-- and I hate water..

So.. I weighed in this morning.. I gained 2.5 pounds.. 145.0.. Son of a bitch, I'm really upset with myself, and am holding myself accountable.. If I'm going to lose 15 pounds by February 1st, I'm going to have to gym it up.. UGH.. I'm so excited for my punishment.. *eye roll* But, that's what I get.. There are consequences to our actions..

Over Christmas break family commented on how thin I looked.. It felt really good to have people that didn't know about the diet, mention my thinner figure.. I need to keep that in mind, the next time I think stuffing my face with rice and curry with the ladies is a great idea..

My Parents..

2009-12-29T10:04:00.000-08:00

Have been married for over 40 years now.. Good for them.. Good for them for sticking it out, because I have witnessed some truly horrible times.. They didn't give up when it wasn't fun anymore.. They didn't give up when they were broke.. They didn't give up in sickness.. They didn't give up because it's not what they envisioned.. They didn't give up when jobs took them away for hours, or months, or years.. They are fully committed to each other.. I witnessed arguments, times that would have put me on a plane headed to a different state, to start over.. I heard words that cut to the core.. Words that would have me packing a suitcase..

But I witnessed love, and laughter, and loyalty and faithfulness that I doubt exists nowadays.. After 40 years of marriage, they have finally established "date days.." I hear that on some Friday nights, they even dance in the dark in the living room..

I don't know if I would describe my parents marriage as a happy one, or a bad one.. There are good times, and there are bad times.. There are highly volatile times, there are non communicative times.. There are times of yelling and screaming and anger, and there are times of sweetness, kindness and tenderness..

My parents got married knowing they would be unhappy.. They knew they would be miserable, and they knew that getting married meant not giving up.. So, I guess if you think you will be unhappy, that makes the good times pretty damn fantastic, right??

So, to all of you that want to get married and keep your identity, to all of you that want to get married and still have time for YOUR hobbies, to all of you that want to get married and NOT change, to all of you that want to get married and not sacrifice or compromise, to all of you that want to get married and be happy all of the time, to all of you that don't deal with confrontation well, to all of you that don't know how to communicate your feelings, to all of you that can't take being called names or called out, to all of you that want everything to stay the same as when you got married, to all of you that can't be faithful, to all of you that want to be considered number one in the relationship, GROW UP..

"Name Association" In My Experience

2009-12-28T12:33:00.000-08:00

Nate's are potheads; it's not their fault.. When named at birth, they were screwed; Nate never had a chance.. Nick's are GIANT sweethearts.. Greg's cross lines that shouldn't be crossed, but not for anything that is unforgivable; the poor guys simply lack tact, and their parents should be blamed.. I've never met a Jon, John, Mike or Michael, that wouldn't give you the shirt off his back if you needed it; they are good people, and their parents should be thanked.. Jack's on the other hand, are manipulative and have addictive personalities; Jack may be short for John, if John goes by John, he's alright.. If John goes by Jack, he has the traits of Jack, not the kind hearted John.. I have issues with Jeff's, I think Jeff's have a tendency to be very sexual minded.. I've met one or two awesome Jeff's, and the rest are generally creepy and/or abusive, treating women in their lives pretty poorly.. However, I always had good experiences with Geoff's.. Brian's are probably good guys, but because I spent 6 and 1/2 years with an abusive one, they will generally get the short end of the stick with me; guilt by association.. I'm sorry to all of you great Brian's out there.. Dave's are generally easy going, and friendly.. I've never liked the name Dan.. It has nothing to do with the type of guys they are; I just don't like the name Dan.. Justin's are definitely good guys, trying to get by with what they have; positive and down to earth.. Guys that have names that start with "J" send me into a tailspin.. Not always, but I'm 29 and have begun to notice a pattern.. I think highly of Clayton Robert's, Ryan Jon's, and Sean Phillips, because they are one of a kind, and my brothers.. Whenever I meet a Sean, I always check the spelling.. Shawn just doesn't do it for me.. Dylan's are trouble, Josh's are a tad clingy.. I like the name Paul, as it is biblical, but I know very few "biblical behaving" Paul's.. Matthew's are funny, they keep it real..

I don't have any thoughts on girls names.. But as for the Kim, Michelle, Rachael, Trina, Timaree, Katie's, Ashlee, and Camille, they are good hearts..

2009..

2009-12-28T11:33:00.000-08:00

Ringing in the New Year 2008, I remember thinking "08, It's going to be great!!" or something really cheesy like that.. Ringing in the New Year 2009, I remember thinking "09, It's Mine!!" or something cheesy like that..

New Years 09 was pretty uneventful, but I made promises to myself to let go of certain people and things.. I remember telling friends, that I'm done repeating patterns and that I want everything to be new and fresh, from people to experiences..

'09 WAS MINE.. I handled it with grace and poise, nothing catastrophic struck me, my situations or health.. What did strike me was the past.. The year that I wanted "new" so badly, I spent getting to know people from my past again.. And I couldn't be more thankful and grateful for the opportunity.. As corny as it sounds, Facebook, helped me find a place to live and helped me form new, AMAZING friendships.. It allowed me to walk down memory lane with someone from the past, to say everything I didn't say when I had the chance the first time.. It allowed me to reconnect with someone that I have always cared for in the most innocent way-- to catch up and share new experiences, while talking about the past.. Sharing my side of an experience that he saw from a different angle.. In him, I see myself, most times it's comical and other times I get chills, and am completely dumbfounded.. Other times I'm in awe of how radically different we are..

I spent the good part of 2009 getting to know people I went to High school with and never met.. I talk almost daily with people that up until the Spring, I hadn't talked to in 12 years, 10 years and even over 15 years--it's familiarly new, I trust these people easily, and foolishly, and have been hurt and will be hurt even more when the next cycle of 10, 12, and 15 years of absence begins again..

What gets me by, is knowing that when we do reconnect in the future, we will look back on now, with the fondest of memories, smiling and laughing, we'll reminisce.. We'll talk in a bar in another city, looking a bit older, a little more confident, a little more weathered from life..

I'm going to ring in 2010 with the people that matter most, celebrating times that somewhere down the line, will creep up in my mind as the best times in my life..

I guess I'm a bitch..

2009-12-21T13:51:00.000-08:00

I don't really want to hang out with you and your boyfriend.. Not just because I don't have a boyfriend, but because I think you are pathetic for making him your identity.. Who are you?? Can you describe yourself without saying his name or listing his interests, or what you like to do with him?? I doubt it.. And I guess I'm a bitch for thinking you should.. I don't want to be your friend after you break up with him.. I don't want to be your friend a few times a year, when you can squeeze me in.. And I certainly don't want to maintain a friendship with the both of you, only because you can't do a single task without his presence..

I would like..

2009-12-17T14:18:00.000-08:00

to have a civil, intelligent conversation about health care without hearing the words: giving up, freedoms, death panel, cocaine, weed, and war..

honesty; for people to answer the hard questions, not change the subject or avoid.. Say what you mean, mean what you say..

people to keep giving.. Not donating time and money just during the holidays..

for families to stay together; for young people to take commitment seriously.. To commit fully, to do what they say, say what they do..

to not have to ask, to not have to draw boundaries.. For people to know what is expected, and what is appropriate.. For people to respect each other..

for love to be given and received unconditionally; without complications, and misunderstandings..

for minds to be open; accepting always, and maybe rejecting later after full consumption and absorption..

more hugs..

Postsecret.com Week 2

2009-12-14T10:51:00.000-08:00

Ugh.. Week two has been a little harder than I thought.. I'm out of yogurt and fruits and have become lazy.. I'm eating salads at work, but without my yogurt and fruits I find myself eating what there is when I'm at home.. This week I had a lot of turkey sandwiches on cheese.. Yep, cheese.. It was a very tasty dinner, and I also included reduced fat wheat thins.. 16 to be exact..

My blood sugar has been low twice and I've had a bowl of Honey Comb to correct it.. How can something so wrong feel so right?? The morning after I ate the Honey Comb, I literally felt drunk; dizzy and in slow motion, I locked the door to my house and fell into it.. Is it possible to be drunk off of carbs?? I had a Honey Comb hangover..

I didn't have my car on Saturday, and ate what was in the house.. 5 tequitos, and some popcorn.. No water.. Still.. I need to be better about that.. Must drink water!!! I'm getting better, as I have traded my Diet Mountain Dew in for Crystal Light.. Oh, DON'T JUDGE ME!!! Baby steps..

I had 2 scrambled eggs this morning and a Cinnamon bran muffin.. The bran muffin made me feel dirty.. Weigh in this morning was a disappointing 143.0..

I just need to remember that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels..

Postsecret.com Week One

2009-12-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

I had a really easy week.. I think I hyped it up in my mind to be this horrible week of starvation; chewing food and dry heaving because I was so sick of yogurt, bananas, and oranges.. I had pictured myself caving and grabbing some cookies at work, or diving into a huge bowl of Honey Combs..

It's strange because I didn't have ANY cravings, I ate only when I was hungry and it turned out to only be once a day.. My blood sugar went low last Friday and morning and I was disappointed to eat a bowl of cereal to correct it.. Note to self: Have juice on hand..

Tonight I had two pieces of toast in preparation of going to the gym, for an aerobic dance class.. My roommate wasn't able to make it, so I didn't go.. The plan was for me to add-on to her membership with no sign up fees.. I guess I'll just go on Saturday.. Like I've stated before, I'm not ready to jump in to hard core diet AND exercise, but I'm making a lot of progress with JUST diet, and I think with a touch of exercise I could make that much more progress..

I'm watching The Biggest Loser finale and am so touched.. My eyes have welled up with tears several times and I'm feeling even more motivated.. So, I'll continue with yogurt, and fruits; salads for lunch and a maybe a some fruits and veggies for dinner.. Maybe some scrambled eggs.. The protein gets me through the night without any hunger or low blood sugars..

I weighed in tonight at 145.. I'm thrilled with the progress, I know that if my number had gone up or not changed I would be eating cookies right now.. It may sound silly but when I look in the mirror first thing in the morning, I can see that I've lost it.. My stomach is a touch flatter, and I don't look away to avoid seeing it.. I'm really excited to see how this week goes!!

A Humanitarian Effort..

2009-12-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

I want to be part of something much bigger than what I am.. I go to work everyday, and it involves so much more than me.. We all have charities and causes we support monetarily, but lately I've been thinking more along the lines of paying it forward..

A few years ago, my ex-boyfriend I and I spoke of marriage regularly; at first, I wanted to, towards the middle we both thought "a change" would be good, but I know we didn't truly love each other and didn't want to spend the rest of our lives together.. The end came with me telling him I couldn't live like we were living anymore, I hated him and myself, I was drowning.. Two weeks later he proposed, not loving me enough to really want me, but not willing to lose me in such an ugly way.. He was grasping at straws, and when I left his house for the last time I knew the only thing I was leaving with, was credit card debt.. I stuck it out to the bloody end with him, I endured an abusive, controlling, relationship for 6 and 1/2 years, and when I left, I didn't even have my dignity..

What a pathetic waste I was.. I was lost, I had no meaning, no self esteem, no identity for myself.. Obviously, I'm much different now, and the people who knew me then that know me now, would probably say that me coming a long way since then, is the biggest understatement of the decade..

My ex-boyfriend was sick, he had health conditions that caused a lot of physical pain, and depression.. He had ADHD, and I'm sure at times his pain was overwhelming, and he took it out on me and those around him.. One day I just woke up and decided that I couldn't live that way anymore.. There was a huge part of me that wanted to marry him ONLY to share my medical benefits with him, to help make him better.. To fix him, to give him the best chance to be his best.. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I did not marry him.. At the time, I thought I could save him from himself, that I could change who he was.. I'm a different person now, and know that I cannot change anyone, and most importantly, that I don't want to..

Who says I have to marry someone because I love him?? How about all of the people that DO love each other and aren't allowed to get married legally?? How about the people that do get married for what they think are the right reasons only to change their minds years, or even months later?? How about the people that walk out, only caring about themselves, and their needs?? Is that right?? Does it matter?? I think there are too many people that don't take commitment seriously, and I don't know if I will ever take that risk.. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around 2 people laying in bed every night sharing secrets and feelings, thinking that they will be the next couple to make it.. That they will be the couple their friends talk about, that they will have stories for their grandchildren, and then BOOM..

Someone changes their mind and leaves, one of them "falls out" of love, one of them decides the pressures of real life have proven to be too much, that coming home to children every night after a long day of work isn't "fun" anymore..

What if I marry a stranger or a friend without any romantic feelings, a friend that I truly cared about, minus the complicated feelings of a relationship, that needed what I could offer?? When I need someone to split the rent with, I look for a roommate to make up the difference in the mortgage payment and utilities.. What if I married someone with the same type of agreement, only he paid the difference in what it cost to add him to my health care plan.. I pay $8.77 a month for the 5th best benefit plan in the nation.. I almost feel like I'm doing a disservice to people I know lacking it, by keeping to myself..

My Dad's parents were school teachers and back then, they weren't allowed to be involved with each other.. So they courted in private and eloped.. Nobody knew they were married.. My baby brother and sister-in-law were married for 2 years before they told anyone.. What if I'm married now, and you don't know it?? What if I'm sharing my medical benefits with a man that I truly care about and am married to, but only through paperwork?? Would you judge me for making a mockery of marriage?? Would you look at me in disgust, would you think less of me for it??

I could give the gift of health care, I could have a hand in giving someone a chance to be the best person he could be.. And with health care the way it is now, I think this might be the craziest, most logical idea I've ever come up with..

Postsecret.com Day One..

2009-12-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

I weighed in last night.. I muttered "heaven help me" under my breath as the scale read: 149.3 lbs..

Everyone is telling me HOW to lose this weight.. HOW to do it the healthy way.. Let's see, HOW do I say this to you?? I'M NOT HEALTHY.. So, please don't tell me I need to eat 7 times a day to jump start my metabolism.. Have you seen a single episode of The Biggest Loser?? They don't let the people eat 7 times a day.. They make them exercise and burn more calories than they take in.. Also, these people lose 13-16 lbs a week, so don't tell me it's not healthy to lose more than 2 a week.. When you are carrying around an extra 20 or 30 it's NOT that unhealthy to drop weight drastically IF you are eating healthy..

I imagine I will lose mine quite rapidly considering I generally eat 4 Krispy Kremes for breakfast, another chocolate donut and 2 cookies when I get to work and have lunch 2 hours later.. My lunches range from another donut to a Reuben sandwich.. I then eat when I get home around 5:00.. That ranges from a giant bowl of Captain Crunch Berries and if I'm lucky, I can convince a friend to go see a movie with me--there, I order a large bucket of popcorn, extra butter and salt--I like my popcorn soggy and the salt content to almost induce coughing.. I also get a Milk Duds and a large DIET coke..

I'm not exaggerating.. I wish I was.. But that's what I eat on an average day.. Most days, more.. So, I know you are concerned and want me to lose weight the healthiest way possible, but really?? I don't mean to be bitchy, and no, I don't need more carbs to curb my pissy-ness.. I'm really doing this, and doing it the best way I know how, the way I know will work for me.. I don't have it in me to eat 7 times a day, I can't jump into exercise and diet right away--my blood sugar crashes constantly, I get frustrated and give up after a week.. I know me, I know my body, and I know my mind ALL TOO WELL.. Yes, I'm aware that I'm stubborn.. I prefer the term obstinate.. :)

Any change I make to what I've been doing is going to be drastically healthier than nothing.. So, I appreciate your concern, but it's a little late for that..

Yesterday, I ate bananas and yogurt, a large salad and one serving or Triscuits.. One serving is 7 crackers for those you that are "concerned.."

Today I've had a banana, yogurt, and another salad.. I had the banana and yogurt because my blood sugar was low, and the salad because I was hungry.. It feels strange not to eat just because, or out of boredom.. But I think I could get used to it.. I feel better already..

Postsecret.com--Chapter 1

2009-11-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

I know my best side; I know to tilt my chin down, to slightly raise my eyebrows, that a slight smile looks better than a full grin.. I know that looking directly at the camera is recipe for disaster.. I know that my nose will look large no matter what.. I have a lot of pictures of myself, that I've taken, that I would never let anyone see..

I have my Dad's blue eyes.. I have relatively straight teeth for never having braces.. I have my Dad's Mom's lips, and a mix of my parents narrow bite.. I have my Mom's prominent nose and a great head of hair, thanks to my sister-in-law.. I've been a highlighted blond, a beach blond and now a brunette.. But, somehow it doesn't work for me.. Together, these physical traits are all wrong..

I take pictures, I change my hair and make-up because I hate the way I look.. I'm truly the happiest I have ever been inside, but I truly believe I've gotten caught up in the joys of being with friends, drinking, and overindulging that I have completely let my physical self go..

I change my hair trying to draw attention away from my face, I try to draw attention to my jewelry and hair to distract people from looking at my body..

I know when a picture will be a bad one even before it's taken.. I've begun to turn my head, not wanting to be in them..

I'm the heaviest I've ever been plus 10 Lbs., and the reason for this confession is for moral support.. My goal is to lose 20 lbs., in 2 months.. I haven't set a date for weigh in, as I have to treat my thyroid, and have possession of a scale before I can begin this challenge.. 20 Lbs. is just the beginning and I will do that simply by diet changes.. Exercise later.. For now, I need to cut carbs, and add fruits veggies and water.. Yes, water.. *gulp..

20 Lbs. should fall off.. I don't know when it happened, but sometime back, I found my niche as the funny chubby girl.. I'm fortunate enough to carry most of my weight in my belly and boobs, and even that became a running joke.. "I'm fat for the boobs.." But, in reality it was never a joke.. It's what my ex-boyfriend used to tell people.. People he played poker with, people we worked with, his family, mine, and me.. All of the time..

So I've decided to challenge myself.. I've stopped getting ready for work, most days I don't even get around to putting contacts in.. I only curl or flat iron my hair on Friday and Saturday nights, and even then I'm unhappy with the way it looks.. I wear hoodies constantly and hats just to cover a good portion of my face most of the time.. I've just stopped caring about how I look, I don't feel like I should insult make-up with my face..

I still very much love to go out with my friends, it hasn't held me back from any socializing--yet, but I see myself withdrawing from group pictures.. Dreading the camera.. How do I disappear when everyone has one??

I feel like confessing it, even if it is just into cyberspace, will somehow make me accountable..

I hope that my friends will call me out.. I don't want to be babied, I don't want to be lied to, or coddled.. I don't want the people I care about to tell me that the pictures were less than flattering because of the angle or that I had been drinking, or compare me to how they look.. I hope that my friends care about me enough to fully support me, even if that is telling me what I don't want to hear, or being honest when I'm my most fragile.. This change needs to happen.. Period..

I'm not happy with the way I look.. And there is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way.. And I challenge you to challenge me, to hold me accountable, to push me to be better..

My blog lacks pictures, And I'm still considering whether or not to add a before picture and show my progress.. I know I will document my progress somehow, I'm not sure yet if it will be in blog form..

So, there is my secret.. I'm the happiest I've ever been.. Nothing, absolutely nothing is missing from my life..

I just can't stand the sight of myself..

I don't usually write at this hour..

2009-11-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

But I'm a year older and I'm a tad wiser than I was a year ago..

Things I know now, that I didn't then..

Tequila makes me cry..
I'm NOT photogenic..
I have some of the best friends in the whole world..
Family has never meant more to me..
I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm realizing that we are all one phone call away from our knees..
Sleeping all day, and drinking an enormous diet coke at a movie before bed on a Sunday night, is a recipe for a late night blog and house cleaning..
I need a clingy, needy guy about as much as I want a clingy, needy pet mallard..
I'm scared of getting older..
I'm afraid of losing what little I have, because it's the most I've ever had..
I'm vulnerable, and becoming more aware of it each day..
Loving someone does not make me weak..
My body is no longer an asset, and it's time to change..
I'm still searching for a hobby or two.. Something that Becky not only does, but loves and looks forward to..
I think my brothers actually think I'm cool.. And I don't want to disappoint them..
Avocados get moldy..
People need time and space, and I need to learn to be patient..
I have not heard a single Iron and Wine song I dislike..
Some people deserve second chances..
Animals ONLY vomit on carpet and/or blankets..

It's the big 30 next year.. What will I know then, that I don't now??

I guess I'll just have to wait and see..

Foodie..

2009-11-25T10:57:00.001-08:00

I can't write about Thursday night, or an event that took place on Friday night.. I can't put into words how amazing my birthday weekend was, and how grateful I am for those around me that made me feel special and loved.. I'm not sure who my readers are, but at this point, I have a feeling that most are people that I don't want knowing my business.. My best friends know what took place on Thursday, and my best friends were with me on Friday..

The private side of me grows day by day, and while I would like to write about the happenings of my life, I will do so in a private forum for my eyes only, as these thoughts are mine and mine alone..

On a somewhat related note, last night I wanted a salad from a restaurant up the street.. I haven't had a craving like this in quite some time, and I think that I'm finally at my limit of eating unhealthy gas station food.. Last night I wanted substance, but something healthy and fresh.. I text two roommates and two friends.. The truth of the matter is, they are ALL friends, but sometimes I categorize without thinking.. I have friends with boyfriends, friends that don't drink, friends with children.. The only reason why I categorize is because sometimes it's difficult to schedule with my friends that are Mom's, or friends that have boyfriends or husbands.. Anyway, one friend was at school taking a test, another is going through a break-up, one is on a diet and the other one was at the gym..

I guess this makes me "the foodie friend.." I would never deny an invitation to eat.. Whether it's because I was supposed to be at the gym, or cutting carbs, I'm pretty sure I would leave a defenseless child or helpless animal locked in a car just so I could indulge my want of food.. Friends have seen me eat until the point of sickness, I've literally eaten until I've sweat.. I've nursed Las Vegas buffets for over 4 hours, and eaten myself into labor pains.. I once ate so much lamb I couldn't drive home from Vegas and had to stop in Mesquite, Nevada so I could lay on my side all night, every breath wreaking havoc on my insides.. Wow, how glamorous.. Look, I'm fat for the boobs, and when I have a boyfriend I'm ALWAYS 20-30 Lbs. lighter, but as for now, I LOVE to eat..

So, here I am wanting a "foodie friend.." My friends go get food with me, but they work out, they eat healthy, and while there is nothing wrong with that, there is nothing I enjoy more than good food with good friends.. I understand that in opening myself up to a foodie friend, I'm probably closing myself off to the female set for obvious reasons.. So, this foodie friend must not judge my taste in food, or how I look while enjoying this food.. I'm generally unattractive on a Tuesday night after work; I'm hungry and frazzled, most likely wearing a hoodie, a hat, and minimal make-up.. Along with not being judgemental, I would prefer this friend to live close by, or be OK with being on call.. So, I guess I'm accepting applications for an open minded friend, that enjoys food as much, and as often as I do.. This is not a dating scenario, as I will pay for my own food and occasionally yours, only as a thank you for eating with me..

Ah, I guess I should tie this altogether.. Having dinner with me would make you a friend; I'm sure we would discuss what's going on in our lives presently, past experiences and maybe what we want in the future.. But isn't that what friends do?? I'd probably tell you what happened Thursday night, and about the event on Friday.. You'd get everything you don't get from just reading my blog.. As hard as it may be to believe, there is plenty more than just these words and thoughts.. It's quite simply really, and I love to chat about it over dinner..

Best money I have ever spent..

2009-11-18T12:09:00.000-08:00

I just recently bought a pair of slippers.. I meticulously hand picked the ugliest, cheapest, most comfortable slippers I could find.. I spent $14.99 and bought Pepto Bismol pink and creme slippers.. They look like sheepskin seat covers.. They have no shape and no sole.. Much like their owner.. Boo, bad joke.. Anyway.. The slippers have changed my life.. What an amazing purchase.. When I slip my tired feet into those fluffy slippers at the end of the day, all is right with the world.. Best $14.99 I've ever spent..

The slippers bring me to another purchase that drastically improved my life.. It is known as the Laundry Hamper.. I've had laundry baskets, but nothing has rocked my world the way the hamper has.. My dirty clothes have a home.. No longer strewn all over my floor or a gross heap in the corner of my room; the hamper has a lid, completely concealing dirty socks, bras and hoodies.. The hamper has given me piece of mind.. I sleep better, I wake up on time, my car even gets better gas mileage.. I haven't had the flu or a hangover since I bought it.. I haven't had to use a grace period for any bills, music sounds better, textures feel better, I'm thinking more logically than ever before.. I have so much to thank the hamper for.. That purchase was easily the best $19.99 I've ever spent..

Last week, I bought bed risers.. I placed my bed posts on these risers, and my bed no longer moves the way it did when it was wheels on a hard wood floor.. The risers have given me 5 and 1/2 inches of extra storage space.. My shoes and slippers have a new residence.. I'm waiting on bated breath for what greatness is to come with the bed riser purchase.. Hands down, the best $12.99 I've ever spent..

One of the least worthwhile, but best arguments I've ever had..

2009-11-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

I said:

For your information, I CAN'T have kids.. I can get pregnant, but carrying a child full term, without major medical problems to myself AND the baby is impossible.. IF I got pregnant, my doctor would advise me to abort.. Despite what you think and proudly spout, it has nothing to do with what you perceive to be my selfishness..

I miss ALL of the men that have rejected me, including the one in prison.. Just because they ended things with me, did not mean that we didn't have good times.. The men that I miss, left me, and have moved on, most are married, some have girlfriends, and so on and so forth.. Whether you believe it or not, I'm happy for them and that's all I wanted for them.. If it's meant to happen for me, it will..

No man, or relationship is "safe.." No matter what the relationship, whether a boyfriend, a husband or a best friend, if you are invested you will most likely be hurt or disappointed at some point..

I'm invested; with my family-that's hurt me more than you know.. I'm invested with my friends, and yes I'm disappointed from time to time.. And I've loved, and been hurt beyond the point of repair.. It's left me a better judge of character, a little wiser, a little more cautious, but I will not play the scorned girl, just because that's how you see me in your head..

Fortunately, time heals all wounds.. Just because I'm not out looking for a man to take care of me, does not mean I am a man hater.. And I do not exercise my ability to just have sex with random people just because I'm a single girl..

I write because I communicate better that way, even if it is just with myself.. I have thoughts I need to get out of my head, and I can come back to them another day for better understanding..

I do not write about anything that matters.. I don't write about my weekend, or doctor's visits, or the funny things my niece's say.. Or how I feel about my brothers, or how much I miss my parents, or regrets, or how working everyday at a cancer research hospital has changed my life.. Those things are the most precious, and not for public view..

You are right, life isn't about us.. But if we can understand ourselves, we may be able to understand and be more open to others..

Not everyone is a whore JUST because you say so.. You are so quick to judge me, (and everyone) trying to pinpoint what is really going on under the surface..

Maybe you should figure out what's going on under the surface with YOU..

I am MORE than done defending who I am, to you, on my page.. You have offended my friends on MY page and I won't tolerate it.. I have people ask me all of the time who you are, and ask why I don't unfriend you..

I am a happy person, and you push my buttons, for fun.. You bring me down.. Even my friends see it, and I have the sense to recognize it and walk away..

I don't hate you, I'm just not interested in having someone like you in my life, no matter the capacity..

And he said:

I lost track counting the cliches in your response. In case you haven't noticed, I don't push peoples' buttons just for fun. I can spot the people with reserve tanks FULL of passion & ability that just never ignite them. You piss me off because you have the introspect to see who you are on the inside. You have the intelligence to see who other people are on the outside. And you care enough to let all of that effect you. But seeing you sit idle on that information & talent bugs me. You could lead the pack. You could inspire people. You could get many people to fall in love with who you are. But you don't. You sit back & recite cliches. You bring attention to all of the excuses that life has given you. That's bullshit. Your friends love & support who you are. I get that. I would too if who you are was your maximum self. But it's far short of that. Anyone can see that you're so much more intelligent, witty, creative, & PASSIONATE than you portray each day. You suck at hiding it. And I suck at letting people that win games sit on the sidelines. You're not a part of my life, but I won't condone someone as talented as you ducking for cover. I don't know why you do it, but it's a travesty.

Right Moment..

2009-11-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

Spinning on another wheel,
goin’ round in slow motion..
Caught up in another dream,
driftin’ on a blue ocean..
When are you gonna reach out??
Only you can turn your world around..
When will you surrender??
And wake up to the real??
But you don’t want to start out just yet,
you watch the seasons come and go..
You remember and then you forget,
all along the way..

You can make a better life,
you’re just waitin’ for the right moment..
You can find another way,
you’re just waitin’ for the right moment..
When are you gonna let go??
And forget about the life you knew??
When will you surrender??
And wake up to the real??
Now you know that it’s all borrowed time,
and still you waste another day..
But you watch and you wait for a sign all along the way..

The Con Wins For Now..

2009-11-04T12:18:00.000-08:00

Been giving some thought to online dating.. Friends say, what do you have to lose??

So, I compiled a list of pros and cons..

Pro #1. I LOVE being online..

Con #1. I hate dating..

Shall I go on?? I think not..

I think I'll pass for the time being.. I always hear that I'm different, but I don't think I'll cloud up the internet dating world with my issues.. I'll leave it pure, untouched by the girl that wants to meet you, but doesn't want to date you..

I can't very well sign up and pay for a service, and then say, "Whoa pal!! I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea, but I don't want to date you.. Can't we just e-mail and text??!!"

I just want new conversation.. New experiences.. I want you to tell me stories, to tell me about the world, where you've been, where you are going.. I want to listen, to laugh, to get to know you..

And that's it..

Looking for a new room mate..

2009-11-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

The whole process is like interviewing people for a job opening.. Only when hiring, I have the security of knowing that if it doesn't work out, I can also fire.. Interviewing people for a job is no fun, but at least I get paid for it.. You literally sit and get paid to ask questions; my trust issues lead me to believe that the interviewee is likely just telling me what I want to hear.. Much like a date.. Dating and interviewing are one in the same for me, whether for a job, living arrangements, or a potential someone..

We've resorted to Craigslist.. It's been quite depressing.. Most people that state how open minded they are, seem to be the ones that want a private bedroom and bathroom, don't want to live with pets, and many other stipulations.. Then, there is the guy that wants to bring his pet rodents and reptiles with him.. Or the guy that wants us to be 420 friendly.. There are a lot of listings of single dads, or single moms; their children are very young, or a lot of listings for older men and women..

I wonder what happened.. Newly single; I wonder if it was a divorce or if a marriage even occurred.. I guess I'm morbid, I don't want to know what happened, I just wonder.. A 62 year old male trying to get back on his feet.. What happened?? A job loss?? Loss of a spouse?? Addiction?? My imagination runs wild..

Walking at night this past summer, I was always distracted by the houses lit up from within, curtains and blinds wide open.. I'm curious to know how people live.. Is it relatively normal?? Was there love in the house I just passed, or did it just appear to be that way??

Who feels trapped by a spouse or religion?? Which one of you is secretly suffocating?? Are any of you really happy?? Are you blessed?? Are you fortunate?? Are you grateful?? Do you really love?? Are you chasing something that's out of your reach?? Is anything good enough for you?? Do you dream of someone else?? Do you want more?? Do you have more than you ever dreamed of?? Do you feel alone even when the room is full??

I'm just always wondering what's really going on under the surface.. I know exactly why I wonder, and I hope I can stop soon..

Is Facebook Permission to Stalk??

2009-10-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

Confirming Facebook friendship means JUST that.. We are online friends, and it doesn't hold much weight with me.. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it's true, and I'd rather hurt you with the truth, than make you feel like a fool with a lie..

A few people were friends first, then Facebook friends.. YOU are the people that matter to me.. The people that have my phone number, that email me in private, the people I share inside jokes with, the people I talk to in person, the people I hang out with, are the people I love..

Every once in a while a friend turns into a full blown stalker.. Or the guy you met out on the weekend and gave your number to, suddenly feels the need to find you on Facebook without ever getting your full name.. You know the guy, that one that scrolls through your common friends and finds you, sends you a friend request and an email at the same time.. The guy that texts you a comment about your status update rather than leaving it on Facebook.. Or the guy that has been in your life for quite some time but sits back and doesn't participate in Facebook because he is too good, but happens to know everything about you when you see him.. A few things?? Cute.. Everything?? Creepy..

I think it's obvious who my friends are, the ones that actually have my phone number, even more obvious are the people that are on text terms with me.. Or phone call terms with me.. There are only a few, and most likely you are not in the group.. You MAY get there.. SOMEDAY..

But you may not, so to my obvious stalkers, I know who you are, and PLEASE try not to be so obvious.. You're freaking me the Hell out..

If Tomorrow is My Last..

2009-10-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

On the evening of November 1st 2001, my shoulder blades, butt, and heels dug into the hospital bed.. My fists were balled tightly, gripping the stiff sheets.. Hot tears poured down my face, my kidneys were attempting to shut down; I was begging my parents to leave me, to not miss Niel Diamond on their 30 some-odd year anniversary..

Finally they left, we all knew I would be fine in a couple of days.. They said goodbye and that they would see me in the morning.. Staring at their backs, I remember thinking, how fast it all happens, that I was fine just a few hours earlier..

If this is all we have, just a day or two left, what would you do??

If tomorrow is my day, I'm NOT OK with what's been left unsaid..

I imagine my parents coming to my house to clean out my room.. They would take the clothes hanging in the closet.. Load my dresser in a truck and get my bed..

There would be no discoveries in my lingering items.. No beautiful masterpieces I've painted unbeknownst to them under my bed.. No shoe box in my closet of photographs I've taken of people or places I've loved.. No letters from a lover hidden away in a drawer, giving them a glimpse of a love affair they didn't know about.. I don't even have a wad of cash in a jewelry box to leave them.. Nothing to soften the blow.. Nothing that they could keep forever in memoriam of their only daughter..

I don't have any trinkets of love to leave anyone.. Here or not, I don't have anything of value, even if it is just sentimental..

I have regrets; not the kind of things I wish I wouldn't have done.. The kind of things I wish I WOULD HAVE done..

This won't be one of them.. I'm not going to leave some love under my bed for my loved ones to find after I'm gone.. Or in a shoe box in my closet, a drawer or jewelry box..

Last spring, I finally told someone I loved him..

I was only ten years too late..

Bold Statement of 2009--

2009-10-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

I won't beg for anyone's attention..

Know Thyself revelation #682--

That's the ONLY kind of attention I want..

Single..

2009-10-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

And NOT looking.. I think that should be a term.. We have In a Relationship, Engaged, Dating, It's Complicated, Divorced, Widowed, Married, Lesbian, Gay, and, Bi-Sexual, just to name a few.. I'm single, and not looking

I hate when people think they need to set you up with someone just because you are single..

You know, when someone meets you, and finds out something really benign about you, like your age, and instantly has a match for you..

"Oh!! So, you're almost 29, I have the perfect guy for you.. He's 32.." Yes, that should be a match made in heaven..

Or, they find out WHERE you work and assume they know what you do.. "Oh, you're in the medical field, do you know so and so??"

"Oh, that's such a pretty cross you're wearing, you're catholic?? I know a guy, he's also Catholic, you guys should go out.. I'll set it up.."

I guess technically I AM single.. I have no obligations to anyone.. I don't have a guy that I spend free time with.. I don't love anyone romantically, I don't have anybody to call when I need a date to a wedding or when I just want to see a movie..

But why is that not OK with people that are part of a couple?? Why do they feel the need for me to find someone like that?? I don't.. In fact, I'm single and NOT looking.. I'm actually happy being single.. I despise the act of dating and refuse to participate in the dance.. I've dated in the past; friends and coworkers.. I think I've only dated one guy that I met under the premise that we would date..

I'm single, and NOT looking.. If I meet someone and feel something, I will show them interest in my own way..

But as for the guy that meets me and asks if I have a boyfriend, well, he may be a little disappointed to hear that I don't, and I don't think that THAT alone is grounds for me to give out my number..

I miss..

2009-10-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

YOU..
The candy hearts dance..
Working with him everyday..
His balcony, wine coolers, and going to bed at 4:00 A.M.
The Green Monster..
Talks with Mike..
The air mattress..
The way he pushed my hair out of my face and stopped my streaming tears with a funny remark..
Felix..
Candace..
Singing..
How easy it used to be..
The smell of the Tint Shop..
Racheal..
His sheets..
His smell..
Michelle..
The phone calls that lasted all night..
Kim..
My dog..
Security..
The way he hugged me and told me it would be OK..
Mini Preps..
The pool..
Ellie..
Starbucks in the afternoon..
Being skinny..
The Crew..
Autumn..
The witty banter we had..
His forearms..
Laughing with (mostly AT) him..
Getting his drive home phone call before we met..
The getting to know you e-mails..
Sean and Tracey..
My Mike Oldfield CD..
My Mom and Dad..
David and Mandy..
Being his DD..
His hugs..
Surprises..
The Lair..
The Palladio..
Vegas trips..
Getting ready for work, hoping to see him..
Anticipation..
Butterflies..
Comfort..
Random run-ins..
Loving..
The connection..
Watching WEC and UFC with my Dad..
Mazzy Starr..

Dear Diary..

2009-10-14T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start sharing music with you..

Yesterday, I was on a major Jaymay kick, and when it rained last night, I had to listen to some Tori Amos..

Today I'm listening to Plumb.. Her song ALWAYS, is giving me chills right now.. Who knows, it may be The Shins tomorrow?? But I'll start sharing..

Last night my friend said, "one word for your mood, just one word.." I stuttered.. "What??" I said.. She said "I have songs for every mood.."

While that makes sense, I have artists for every mood, but I have 10 different types of moods for ONE technical mood.. She says "happy" and I say, "well, I'm not excited happy.. Or good happy, I'm content.. What do have for content??"

For content, I'll listen to some Kate Havnevik..

I'm just not sure if I'll still be content in 5 minutes.. Stay tuned..

World peace begins with..

2009-10-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

ME..

I promise to not hate one group, while advocating love for another.. I promise to respect myself and others.. I promise to always have standards and expectations of myself, to continue to grow and be a better person each and every day.. I promise to walk away from you, even if that means forever, before I would ever ask you to change for me.. I promise to listen, to try my best to understand your feelings.. I promise to laugh.. I promise to share.. I promise to see with my eyes and my heart.. I promise to wonder and explore.. I promise to be open to everything, to make educated decisions.. I promise to have fun.. I promise to be a good example.. I promise to be a good Aunt.. I promise to be a good sister.. I promise to be a good friend.. I promise to be considerate of others.. I promise to do my best.. I promise to be accountable for my actions.. I promise to say sorry.. I promise to love.. I promise to be thankful, grateful for the little things.. I promise to be aware.. I promise to be better than I was yesterday and better than I was the day before.. I promise, I'll keep my promises..