I Can't Shake..

thoughts of death lately.. I see it in my dreams, in my life, everywhere I look..

The first time I experienced death, I was in my Grandma's bedroom.. I'll never forget the sound of my dad's voice as he told me that it would "look like Grandpa was sleeping.." He told me not to be afraid, that a lot of people will be there..

When we got "there" I just hung out with my little brother.. I was nine years old, he was eight.. So many people were there crying, and the guy sleeping looked kind of like my Grandpa, but not really, and he didn't really look like he was sleeping either, but I was playing with my brother and the adults were doing adult things..

I didn't know at the time why everyone was crying, I guess I didn't understand that my Mom had a lifetime of memories of her Dad.. That she would miss his voice, and would only see his smile again in her mind’s eye..

Both of my Grandma's passed and I didn't go back to Michigan for the funerals.. I didn't know either of them very well at all.. In fact, I hadn't known my Grandpa's either.. My Dad's dad used to ask me "What do you know??" To be honest, this scared me.. I was afraid to answer and reveal my ignorance.. This was a man that lived to be in his 90's, I had no idea what to talk to him about.. We had a family service for him here in Utah before he went back to Michigan for his proper service and burial..

It bothered me to see a body in a box.. Lining them with satin and silk is just the attempt of the living to feel better about putting our loved ones in the ground.. What a tragic thing to have to do.. Saying goodbye for the last time, trying to keep memories fresh, as to not forget the sound of a Mother's voice, or to not forget the touch of a spouse's hand..

Everyone says the pain fades, and while I'm grateful for that, so do the memories..

The stories remain to be passed on, but somewhere along the way, the mannerisms are lost upon those that never met them.. The sound of their laughter, the sparkle in the eyes, the warmth in a hug..

I've only lost a cat; she haunts my dreams, I feel her on the bed at night.. I don't know how people lose Mothers and Fathers, spouses, and children..

I've been so proud to be so independent, to not need anyone.. But, in realizing that there are things that one should not do alone, I've realized that I don't WANT to anymore, and have come to see how tragic it would be for me to be alone.. Life never turns out the way you want it to, or the way you envision it, and right now, I'm grateful for that..